In love

Many of my posts regard the love-hate relationship that I have with my congregation and my calling.

However, I just uploaded some pictures of my son that we took this afternoon to my computer and I have to say ... I'm completely and totally in love.

I feel like such a mush when I gush about him -- but I think he's truly fabulous. He's almost a year old and while there have certainly been times when I've been exhausted (I went back to work when he was 8 weeks old) and crazy, I love the (not-so) little guy so much I can hardly stand it most times. In love. In love to the point of standing over his crib several times an evening just to gaze at him (mind you he went to sleep by about 5:45 tonight and will most likely sleep until 0600 or 0630).

All this coming from someone who first wasn't so sure that she wanted a kidlet. All this coming from someone who when "it" didn't work again and again and again thought that it might be OK not to have children. All this coming from me. Wow.

He called me a secretary

And then an assistant pastor when I (gently) corrected him
But gave me home-made puff pastries with chocolate frosting and eclairs in return -- is it wrong to think, at least for the moment, that it wasn't such a bad trade? My goodness, I'm a sucker for a sweet.

Amazed and a Couple of Questions

Sometimes I'm absolutely thrilled with how much I can get done -- new shoes for and pictures of Baby Boy, a trip to the library, a trip to Costco, naps all around, laundry done... And other times, I'm completely shocked at how paralyzed I can be about simple tasks -- making phone calls and cleaning coffee cups (I did this at the office this morning -- yea me!) and mailing reminders and the list goes on.

My questions revolve around discernment for leaving a place -- those of you who have been through a call or two or six, how did you determine that it was time to go? And, is it possible for people to see someone with fresh eyes? As in, after nearly two years in a call, if some folks don't see me as a pastor, will they ever?

Thanks!

It's Over

Overwhelmingly, that's how I feel about this morning.
It's over! Whew!
I occasionally preach without a full manuscript but rarely preach with nothing written down. When that happens, I at least have thought through (obsessively) about how the sermon will go -- ie, what I'll start with and how it will end, hoping that the Holy Spirit gets me through the middle.
My creative edge came today through having people in the congregation volunteer to read summaries of scripture verses about the resurrection. I talked (preached?) a bit in between the readings and when all was said and done I had taped the pieces of paper together to form the image of a person -- emphasizing the humanity of Christ and the fleshy-ness from today's Gospel.
And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us.
There were some things that I could have done better -- had tape already rolled and lined up, pre-selected the readers, actually thought about what I was going to say... but, before I watch the tape and nit-pick the work of the Spirit to pieces, let me share two things that I thought were pretty cool:
1. People laughed and actually were involved
2. It wasn't just adults who volunteered to read -- high schoolers, elementary schoolers and middle schoolers all read -- with no prompting from me. To hear the second grader read in front of the whole congregation absolutely melted my heart.
Who knows what I'll hear, if anything, from folks in the coming week, but for now I'm just glad it's over!

Behold! Something new!

I often preach using unconventional ways -- or at least I try to do things with a tinge of creativity -- sometimes.
Tomorrow I'm doing something that I've never done before and that I've never seen done before.... and I'm scared, in that nervous fluttery way. If it works, it'll be really stinkin' cool. If it doesn't work? It'll stink, though not literally.
I'll let you know how it goes, but for now, I'm just nervous.

Blessings

As RevEm has tagged me, and I get so excited about being tagged, and after my whiny post this afternoon, I figure I should reflect a bit on the blessings... So, in no particular order, 10 Blessings...

1. Most things blogg-y: writing, reading, leaving the occasional comment, receiving comments, obsessively checking my sitemeter....

2. My family and their amazing ability to make me laugh

3. Coffee

4. The simple fact that there's a roof over my head and money to pay the bills

5. Friends

6. Books to read

7. A sunny day with a hint of warmth

8. Music

9. Having people in my life who get the potentials of church and who in small ways get me.

10. Other women in ministry who support each other

I tag... YOU! Really, if you'd like to play, please -- play! It's always good to recount our blessings!

Don't Wanna

I don't wanna ...
... talk about the newsletter (because I'm secretly not sure if anyone reads it)
... write my sermon (because even though I love this passage, I'm for some reason tired of it)
... clean my office (because it's relatively clutter free at the moment, therefore not a valid procrastination technique or distraction)
... buy the wedding present that I have to buy before Saturday (because I want to be creative and buy something that's not necessarily on the registry, but I know that's what I'll end up doing because I have not one good idea)
... shop for jeans (because even though I really only have two pair that fit me, I'm not in a particularly good place with my body ... which makes for disastrous bottom-shopping)
... try to be positive or discern or figure out what the heck is going to happen in the next year (because there are just too many variables to think clearly)
... do much of anything that's productive (because ... well simply because!)

This started out to be an "I don't wanna" and then I decided that I should take the time to figure out why I was so whiny.

Checked Out

Warning, or at the very least, FYI: This will be a random post, unified by the above words or some conjugation of them.

1. After the stress and the tension surrounding Holy Week (I know, I know, it's over) and a funeral and staff transitions and sad circumstances in the parish, I find myself checking out in the middle of things -- meetings, while driving, meetings that I'm facilitating. I'm thinking a lot about boundaries and how to set them or re-establish them. Discernment questions: How do you know when it's time to leave a call? Is it possible to re-shape congregational culture? If yes, to what extent?

2. Small blessing in the chaos of my: I forgot to pick up a prescription for my Baby Boy before I retrieved him from the Best Daycare Ever. Dear Husband is out of town and I decided it would be a good idea to pick up said script on my way to my meeting tonight, with my child. Thinking it would be a quick in-out deal, I clearly didn't factor in things like: prime-time for shopping at the grocery/pharmacy combo platter and hence a line. Blessings in all of this? The man in front of me in line let me go ahead of him, as my son laughed and giggled and clapped and as I checked out, the pharmacist held the receipt so I could sign my life away in the name of clear skin.

3. Quick romantic read of the week that I checked out from the library? The latest from Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Match Me If You Can. I started and finished it Sunday night and it proved to be the perfect way to wind down after the weekend.

4. I had lunch with another pastor. We know each other in that professional way that comes from being at similar meetings and moving in the same general circles. It was nice -- a good opportunity to get to know her better. Startling moment? On my way out of the restaurant, a guy sitting at the bar checked me out. Steady eye contact, I looked away, looked back, he's still looking, the whole bit -- without the obviously disconcerting up-and-down once-over. Now that was a surprise!

Color Card

Tomorrow is Thursday and it will have been two weeks since my grandma died. The days since her funeral truly feel like a blur as Holy Week has come and gone along with assorted illnesses in my family. Many details of the past two weeks float unattached to days or times. I know that I had dinner with my mom's cousin, randomly, but I have to stop to think exactly what day that would have been, working backward to affix it to a time within anything else. There were flights and well wishes and worship that in some senses blend together beautifully -- a triduum that flows in my memory without fits and starts.

There's still a lot of "stuff" in the farmhouse, some of it "stuff" with memories attached. When she moved to her apartment a few years ago, most of the actual things in the house went with her. What's left is random, of little value, and some is simply garbage -- empty jars and paper plates and magazines from the 1970s.

My family went out to the farmhouse during that nebulous time when I was home. My nieces climbed the steep steps and proclaimed them scary. Many of us shed tears there that we hadn't or didn't shed elsewhere. We poked around and opened closets and brushed away dead flies and breathed stale air.

I was alone for a moment or two in what had been her bedroom. In a dresser that was otherwise empty save the drawer liners, I found a color card -- one of those strips of colors from the hardware store to help you choose paint. The colors were reds and on the back were notations indicating amounts. I don't know completely why, but I slipped it into my pocket and now I carry it with me. I know that it was my grandmother's and that's enough. It's something to hold, to remember, to remind.

Baseball

In these days of Eastertide (OK, so there have only been a couple), I'm almost afraid to think about church. There are many things that I put off until "after Easter" and that time has come. So, like any good little procrastinator, I'm sitting at home with a lovely cup of coffee and a scone, and blogging. I'm justifying this partially out of frugality, ie, if I'd left for work without eating/having coffee I would have stopped to have said breakfast. And, after paying our taxes yesterday (why, oh why, did *that* have to fall this weekend, too??), we are readily aware of our cash situation.

However, I titled this entry baseball, and with a reason.

I love baseball. Not in the way that my husband does -- obsessed with statistics, knows quirky details about players (and owners and managers and farm teams) -- but in a simple, wholesome, I really like the game sort of way.

I've had the good fortune over the past few years to live within a short distance of a minor league team. The team has changed as we've moved around, but the distance has remained close. These minor league games are great fun and provide an evening of entertainment for usually less than a movie. The players are there because they really love the game. There are mascots. There are entertaining games between innings that often involve said mascots. Occasionally there's a scout or two in the stands, or a former "big name" player whose kid is on the field. I never recognize these people, but my husband is quick to point them out to me, and we marvel from afar.

It's sunny out today and that has me thinking about baseball. It has me thinking about summer. It has, momentarily, distracted me from thinking about church.

*Note: While this is more about my love of the game than the actual game itself, there is another Lutheran blogging about baseball -- more regularly, intelligently and concisely than I do! Check out the Lutheran Zephyr. He's a Phillies fan, but that's OK.

Good Friday

Confession time:
I don't really like Good Friday worship.

I love the day, what it stands for, cling to the theology of the cross instead of a theology of glory, but worship on this day does little for me. Even as a pastor. Maybe especially as a pastor.

Last year I took the challenge to preach this day -- because I knew it would be a challenge and I hoped it would give me something ... some insight as to why I pull away from this day ... some appreciation for the corporate worship of the day ... something. And, while I was more exhausted and a little more high strung because of my status as preacher, I can't say that it enhanced my appreciation for worship.

I am waiting for something, someday to move me out of my from-a-distance observance of Good Friday. I don't want some fancy-schmancy passion play, some over-dramatized portrayal of what happened so long ago. Maybe some simple words with a mournful instrument. Whatever it is, it will have to sneak past my (internal) hyper-critical stance.

Little things

I'll be honest and say that at this point in the week, there are more things going wrong than right. I'm not trying to be overdramatic, and I don't really want to get into details to make people feel sorry for me. I trust somehow that everything will work out and that come Monday, I'll pay our taxes and Jesus will have risen and we all will have eaten our fill of chocolate and ham (though not at the same time) and there might be a wine bottle or two fewer behind the bar, but I will be glad that it's "over." Until Tuesday morning, of course, when everything that I've put off until "after Easter" will have to get done.

What's the little thing that has made me happy today?

I got a new stapler.

It's standard issue Swingline. It's tan and heavy and very, very practical. I trust that I won't have to drop it from up high to dislodge the pieces from their stuck-together state and then spend an obscene amount of time figuring out how to put everything back together, including that squirrely little spring that rolled away.... Regardless.

I got a new stapler. And, during this week, I've decided that I'm taking what I can get.

Books to Read

Many thanks to all who weighed in on the "What should I read next?" post below... For my own sake I thought I would compile them... and since I did that, I figured I could share the compiled list (along with some of my own notes, in purple) with everyone...
Enjoy!

A Prayer for Owen Meany, John Irving (This is one of my all-time favorite books; I will buy copies at used-book sales just to have on hand to give to people.)
Crossing to Safety - Wallace Stegner (It's on my shelf, just waiting to be read...)
Travelling Mercies - Anne Lamott (one of my favorites)
The Small Rain & A Severed Wasp - Madeleine L'Engle
A Place on Earth - Wendell Berry

The Necessary Beggar by Susan Palwick
The Sparrow - Mary Doria Russell (This and two of her other books "Children of God" and "A Thread of Grace" have been pivotal in my life. I really, really recommend them to other readers... As St. Casserole commented, The Sparrow could be subtitled "Jesuits in Space.")
Unless - Carol Shields
Jan Karon books. (I have read them.... and in all of their corniness, they continue to be one of those guilty plesures, like I imagine Esther Bollick's cake to be. In the most recent book, Cynthia describes Father Tim's newest church as her favorite, saying, "Because it's so hungry and imperfect." It's an image of the church that I've been chewing on for awhile now.)

The Merrily Watkins mystery series by Phil Rickman.
Never Let Me Go, Kazuo Ishiguro
The Peabody Sisters, Megan Marshall

The Death and Life of Charlie StCloud.-Ben Sherwood
*The Year of Yes- Maria Hedley (I read this recently and wanted it to go on... In fact, I wanted to move to that town and be friends with the people.)

Despite the falling snow-Shamin Sarif
Life After God, Hey Nostrodamous, or Eleanor Rigby all by Douglas Coupland
"A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian"
"The Map of Love" by Egyptian woman author Ahdaf Soueif.
The Secret Life of Bees (Stunning story)

Mermaid Chair
The Blue Castle, by LM Montgomery
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time,
Pride and Prejudice and the Princess Bride (Classics)

Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh
The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman
Amazing Grace by Kathleen Norris (I've always thought this would make a great small group study book)

Possession by A.S. Byatt
Looking for Mary by Beverly Donofrio –
Telling Secrets by Buechner
I heard Buechner speak a few years ago and he was amazing; I vowed to read some of his fiction at that point, but sadly haven't (yet).

Some authors...
Diane Mott Davidson
Susan Wittig Albert
Madeleine L'Engle
CS Lewis
Susan Howatch (Church of England books)
Diana Gabaldon (Outlander books)
Barbara Kingsolver (She's such an amazing writer)
Jane Green
Julia Quinn (Bridgerton series)

What have we missed?

She Rests in Peace

It has been nearly 3 weeks to the day since my grandma had a severe stroke.

She died early this morning.

This is the end that we knew would come, and it has come quickly.

For her life and for her witness, her stubborn roots and her legacy, her red-and-white checked curtains and her bright yellow bathroom, her marigolds and her rhubarb, for so many things that I cannot even articulate, I give thanks.

Thanks be to God.

Reading Recommendations Requested

Going to the library is one of my favorite things to do on Mondays (typically my Sabbath). It's one of my favorite things to do almost anytime, but Monday is when it usually happens. We have a great library in our community and on relatively warm days our house is within walking distance.

My usual modus operandi at the library is to scan the new fiction, then the new non-fiction, picking up titles by authors I know or publishing houses I respect. I can usually walk away with at least 2-3 books doing this. Sometimes while I'm at the library I'll remember a book someone recommended or that I read about.

I read a lot. I was an English major and have always been the kid who stayed inside on a warm sunny day to read a book. I like fiction that reads like a memoir, actual memoirs, books that teach you about something while telling a really good story (but not preachy, moralistic books), semi-trashy romance novels (though usually not the historical variety).

I loved "The Time Traveler's Wife" and read it in an afternoon. I don't mind what a lot of people call "fluff" as long as there's a story to it and they aren't trying to sell something. And, despite the fact that I am a pastor, I usually avoid anything overtly religious (unless it's for work, then it's pretty hard to avoid that whole God thing).

So, dear readers, what should I read? Recommendations? Your top 5 books? The book you recommend to everyone? The ones you've read over and over again? Please, tell!

A little somethin' about spirituality

I remember the first time I called my mom after an appointment with my Spiritual Director. I was bursting with the excitement that comes for me when "things" are coming together and someone is guiding me and there's hope in the future and peace about the past and I'm resting solidly in the grace that I cling to as a Lutheran.

There was silence on the other end of the phone. "Your what?" Mom asked tentatively, not wanting to upset the somewhat fragile mother-daughter balancing act.

"Well, Mom, she's someone I'll see once a month and we'll talk about issues related to the church and my ministry, what it all means; she'll sort of be like a pastor for me."

"Oh. Uh-huh. Of course. Is she Lutheran?"

"No, she's Catholic; she's a nun."

"Oh. Well, that's interesting."

Which translates to: I have no idea what else to say about that Dear Daughter so I won't say anything else at all!

There's nothing specifically "Lutheran" about having a spiritual director. However, there appears to be something new (or re-newed) about paying attention to our spirituality. While we have always professed that we are saved by grace through faith apart from works, we haven't always been very good at living that out or paying attention to what it means without cheapening it and using it as the easy way out.

Having someone in my life to hold me accountable to living fully in God's amazing gift of grace is incredibly important, lest I forget and start measuring my worth as a pastor (person?) by how many people were at the Bible study or the comments people make after the sermon or whether I get to preach or not. First and foremost, I am a child of God -- washed in the waters and fed at the table and sent forth to bear the message of God's redeeming love to the world. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering that.

Planet Pink Shoes

Per the RevGalBlogPals Friday Five Meme... but really, who can stop at five favorite things with this? If you haven't played, join in the fun!

From Songbird:
"I began to envision a store selling all my favorite things, probably in the kind of house I lived in as a child, one of those late 19th-century houses with a long hallway on the side and double parlors on the other, with windows to the floor facing the front porch. ...

Name five things that would be on the shelves of Planet [Pink Shoes]."

Welcome to Planet Pink Shoes, where hospitality is key and people are welcomed with a smile and a greeting designed to inspire warmth and comfort. On hot days there's fresh lemon water on the porch with some cookies for nibbling while you relax and on cold days there's tea and cocoa and coffee to warm your hands as your spirit is swaddled by the people you encounter and the things that surround you.

You'll find on these shelves books that make you think and in which you can get lost for hours -- books that I've read and can recommend without hesitation; guides to the local area, fiction that makes you laugh out loud and wipe tears from your cheeks, memoirs that invite you into the person's life and theology that meets you where you are and challenges you to leave that place of sedentary comfort.

There's a fine assortment of accessories: baubles and doo-dads that can hang from your ears or around your neck, scarves that bring life to your wardrobe and when wrapped with beautiful paper present as gifts extraordinaire -- if only for yourself.

Boldly-colored, vintage-styled kitchen linens and cloths for your tables, bathroom, picnics and baskets to hold them all and in which to pack food. Things that look just as special and good at home as they do in the store.

Paper -- single sheets of pretty paper, matching envelopes, cards that have just the right expression, pieces to use for your own projects and pens that make writing letters and cards a joy and a delight again.

Bowls -- Deep, round ones that invite ice cream sundaes, shallow ones for apple crisp or berry tarts with sauce and cream, wide ones for soup and oversized ones for popcorn and snacks.

Please, enjoy your stay!

A few of my favorite things, part 2

It's hard to believe that two weeks ago I was getting off a jet plane and entering vacation-land. Though my destination was not what most would consider a tropical or a "destination," it ended up being warm and fabulous. I blogged when I got back about my favorite things from the extended weekend. Two weeks removed I'm feeling a bit hrumpfy as I gaze out at the gra/ey and snowflakes falling on this, the 23rd of March. So, without further blabbing, some random favorites from the past two weeks -- to cheer myself, if nothing else!

A baby who sleeps through the night (usually) ... friends visiting from out of state ... glimpses of sunshine ... wee-hour chats ... being told I have a great laugh ... 12 women at "my" Bible study ... being able to have dinner with my husband ... a (relatively) clean (for now) desk ... dreaming of moving ... a compiled CD of favorite music at my office ... shipments of books on their way .... finishing our taxes for the accountant ... knowing deep down that everything will be OK ... cleaning out files ... a dog who didn't get sick from eating my fancy chocolate (although I was might angry) ... smiling and sighing ... a festive gathering ... having a clean house (momentarily, and if you don't look too closely) ...

What are your recent favorites?

Happy birthday?

Strangest birthday greeting I've maybe ever received... from the dealership where we bought our most recent car (last fall):

"Please remember to call me if you have any questions regarding any of your vehicle needs. For that matter, call for any reason, after all, it is your birthday!"

How very, very strange and unexpected.

Oh, well, thanks CarGuy!

Public v. private

At my church the prayer petitions for the congregational prayers are printed in the bulletin and if anything new comes in after they're printed, they're announced before prayers are offered. The petitions go on for pages (and are lifted up silently during worship) and I'm of at least two minds aobut the whole thing -- it's an amazing witness to how people feel about prayer and the sense of collective community that shares one another's burdens; however, it's a fine line between "community information" and community "concerns."

That being said, I rarely list prayer petitions.

Late this past week my grandmother had a severe stroke. She's almost 97 and before this has been remarkably healthy. I don't know if she'll recover and if she does, what her life will be like.

Sunday morning came and I didn't list her or my family in the prayers (my dear colleague was doing the pray-ing).

I thought about it a lot, but for some reason I didn't want everyone asking and expressing their concern -- I guess I did it partially out of self-preservation and partially out of the need to be private somehow.

While I have a fairly realistic perspective on the end of her life, she's still my grandma, and when she dies it will be hard. At the core of my actions (or in-action) was the sense that I didn't need/want to be repeatedly reminded of that reality by well-meaning parishioners on a Sunday morning.

So much of our lives as pastor are public that I sometimes unnecessarily cling to or make things private that maybe don't need to be or shouldn't be.

Do I need to open myself up to their (my congregation's) care and concern? I could hardly list a prayer concern with the asterisk "she really doesn't want to talk about this; please pray quietly for her from far away," although that's what I would want to do.

Thoughts?

Pretty things. Sighs. The unexpected. Prayers.

With a hat-tip to Will Smama, I present this blog in this format.

Pretty things.
I find myself gravitating toward them. I received several fun and pretty things for my most recent birthday and I love them all... beautiful chocolates and a hand-painted martini glass among them. It feels self-indulgent to intentionally surround myself with pretty things when the world can be so ugly to so many people, but in the face of such ugliness, beauty helps us survive.

Sighs.
Shared sweetness. Sometimes there's so much to say and so few words with which to say it. The sighs speak where words don't dare and when voices aren't able.

The unexpected.
For the first time in my life I was involved with calling the police because I thought someone would do harm to themselves. I anticipated that at some point in my life as a pastor I would do this; it almost goes with the territory. However, I never expected that it would happen between services on a Sunday morning.

The prayers.
For the woman who didn't want to go home, who couldn't imagine being part of this world anymore, and who is the victim of a sad cycle of abuse.
For my grandmother in ICU hundreds of miles away; recovery from a severe stroke at the age of 96 seems unlikely.
For those whose lives have ended and for those whose lives have just begun.

Even-keeled

This is how someone described me this morning, as in an even-keeled presence. I wasn't offended by the description, but it's stuck with me. I'm trying to figure out if it's another term for "boring."

I've worked with people before who I definitely would not describe as even-keeled -- and I know that I don't want to be the type of person (pastor) who is unpredictable and moody. I have seen the reaction of sweet parishioners as a colleage rushes past them (not in my current setting), nearly out of control. I don't want that to be me. Certainly I have my moments when everything is rushing about me and I do want to scream.

I hope there is room for being passionate when one is even-keeled!

A few of my favorite things

I've been away -- and while it's good to be back, I have to say that I really, really enjoyed being away.

A few of my favorite things from the past few days...

Trees nearly in bloom .... runners .... soft breezes .... hot sunshine .... looking up into blue, blue sky at beautiful buildings ... a single, decadent chocolate-covered strawberry ... reading without interruption ... walking and walking and walking .... feeling like I fit .... reading the newspaper with a cup of coffee ... watching people .... tears on my cheeks .... being anonymous .... flying .... street vendors with lovely flowers ... shopping .... massage .... exotic food .... spending time alone .... sitting down and just sitting ... exploring ... laughing .... dreaming .... discovering hidden places ... not having a reason to check my e-mail .... smiling at strangers .... reconnecting with people .... chocolate on a park bench .... having poetry re-enter my mind ... re-discovering passion for life .... not being scheduled ....

Away

I'll be away for a few days.... hope you are all well.

Blog with you next week,
Pink Shoes

Baseball memories

The one baseball t-shirt I owned, circa 1987, had Puckett on it. The only baseball card I've ever owned -- it's still on our fridge -- is a Puckett card.

Kirby Puckett died today.

May he rest in peace.

Do it well

If you haven't already seen it or read it, there's a pretty good article in the most recent (March 2006) issue of Sojourner's about church music. I've gone back to it a couple of times and it speaks to me.

When I interviewed for my current call they asked me a question about my musical style. I responded by saying that whatever you do, do it well -- and be authentic about who you are. Experiment, certainly. Try new things, certainly. But I gravitate toward music that's done well. They might have thought I was dodging the question, which I was to a certain extent, but ultimately I spoke my truth.

I'm not looking to debate church music or worship style. I'm just starting to rearticulate what I think about how worship should be -- taste, sound, smell, look, experience. With our whole bodies, we should praise the Lord.

More to come.

Serious and not so much

Things that in and of themselves could be whole posts for me:

At what point do I start looking "old enough" to be a pastor?

We are out of redi-whip. Completely. Out. Of. Redi-whip. Fortunately there was enough for my ice cream tonight.

I never expected that I would ever change a diaper on my office floor and subsequently end up with baby poop all over.

You know those nights when you hoped that whatever you hadn't learned all semester would magically enter your brain for the test tomorrow? I'm hoping that my sermon enters my mind tonight while I'm asleep... because it has successfully avoided it while awake.

Good night.

Clickety-tackety

I've managed to complete a number of little tasks this morning -- ordering a Bible study resource, making some calls, completing some registrations, etc. Some days I feel like I get so mired down that I can't complete even the most mundane tasks -- it's good to have a day when I actually feel semi-productive. Although my sermon isn't done (started?), the prayers aren't written and I'm not prepared for the adult forum... HA!

The actual best part of the morning? Making my colleague laugh so hard that he was still laughing when he left my office and laughing still minutes later -- I think he actually had to dry his eyes he was laughing so hard.

There's something distinctly satisfying to hear the keys of the keyboard moving quickly beneath my fingers -- whether it's when chatting with a friend, or writing a sermon or a blog. The sound of progress... clickety-tackety, clickety-tackety.

75/1000

This is my 75th post.

Today I had my 1,000th visitor since installing a sitemeter.

#1000 was a lovely (I'm sure of it, even though the person left no comment...) person from Ohio, and that's all I'll say.

Thanks to all who visit and who comment.

Peace, tears, love and laughter,
Pink Shoes

Under my desk

I've kicked off my shoes under my desk. It's just easier to do things without 2 1/2 inch heels, even if they look great.

After worship at noon, I did a few random things in my office -- responding to e-mails, turning in bulletin drafts, etc., and then went to lunch. My favorite Thai restaurant down the street has a great lunch special and because I was there late today, the place was empty. I stopped at the resale shop next door and found some pjs for the Baby Boy and a sweater for myself.

And now I feel the need to really get down to business about my Lenten devotion or disicpline. I don't have one, except the need and desire for one. I've given things up before -- coffee, chocolate, candy, etc., but that holds little spiritual appeal this year. I think I'll try to create something -- something that I can hold between my hands and turn over, something that requires me to take materials and assemble images and words, something that I can point to when it's done, something that I can complete.

Of course there are other, more pressing things that I need to do -- phone calls and meetings and confirmation and finding the prayer requests that I have somehow misplaced. But those things exhaust me. And I'm feeling a little worn out today, a little depleted, a little drained.

Perhaps I'll join my shoes under my desk!

Dry Need

When I baked bread
my hands kneaded the dough until,
oiled to gleaming beauty,
it rested snugly above warmth,
rising to give strength

At the end I would rub my hands together
shedding the bits of dough
water sliding off my skin in droplets

Tonight my hands are dry
chapped and cracking at the seams
no amount of oil
can make them supple

I need something elemental
to sink my hands into
creating other in the heat

Change

I posted the last part of this briefly yesterday and then took it down because I wasn't sure that it really made any sense (not that blog entries have to make sense or that it does now), but I'm reposting it because I've thought a little bit more about what was actually going through my head.

In the meantime, I've lost track of the number of times I've checked my email today (I know, I know -- I just keep hoping for something exciting!), the number of nosebleeds I've had in the past few days (yes, I have a humidifier), the number of times that I've told the dog to get off the couch (this is almost a lost cause, though he's on the floor next to me now).

My world is going to change a lot in the next couple of weeks and I suspect that I'll blog about the events that transpire a lot when they actually happen. And, even though I've known about this impending change and transition for awhile, it's not the same as going through it. I knew that I'd have to go through labor from the moment I got pregnant, but that was nothing like actually going through it. So, for now I spend a lot of time thinking about change and transitions. I had originally framed this with thoughts of the transfiguration and that's partially where I'm still at -- that when we go through changes and transitions there's always a part of us that wants to stay on the mountain-top instead of mucking through the valley or trudging across the plains.

Regardless of what it's all about, I've done a lot of thinking recently about transfigurations in my own life -- times that I've changed and things that have changed me and that I remember -- moments in time that stick with me though years have passed and many more moments have come and gone.

I stayed up talking with a boy (we were 20, maybe 21, and yes, that's all we were doing) one summer night long enough to see the sun set and rise again. We were in a land far to the north so the time between darkening dusk and lightening dawn was shorter than I'd ever experienced it before and the moment when the sky stopped getting darker and started getting lighter sticks with me over ten years later -- I probably thought at the time that this was significant on some sort of cosmic level. Now I simply see it for the beauty of friendships, the grace of God and the gift of understanding. Staying up talking with friends into the wee hours is still one of my favorite thing to do.

Travel and love and sadness have all changed me. Being told that I was beautiful by a stranger as I waited for a city bus changed me; the snow fell around me and I wore a fur bomber-style hat. Harsh words and tender glances and feet gently caressing one another have changed me. Filling sandbags and pruning hedges and being the last car through before the interstate closed has changed me. Dancing in a barn and cheering for competition (D-D-D Defense) and shouldering a gun has changed me. None of these things seemed particularly remarkable at the moment of doing them; some of them remain unremarkable still except that they have molded me in who I have become.

What has changed you?

Disjointed about Friends

I feel like I have a few friends -- not a ton, but usually I feel like I have enough. I feel blessed to have the friends that I have -- those far away, those nearby, those who are guys and those who are women. I like people who are honest, who are smart, attractive, funny -- and then I start sounding like a snob. It's actually all about the connection -- can we talk for hours about everything and nothing over coffee or wine or gin? Do I get excited when I see you or hear from you? And after we've moved away from each other can we still have breakfast when you stop to see me with little incident?

I don't know what I would do without two of my ecumenical colleagues -- with these folks I am able to vent, collaborate, discuss, share a meal, and be assured that the future of the church, if it rests with us, is going to be OK. When I am with them I am NEVER too young to be a pastor.

I am positively in love with the following women in my life: my short-haired friend who first called me "Sassy Pastor;" the dramatic woman who asked me *in the narthex* *on my third Sunday at my congregation* if *dramatic whisper* if she was going to go to hell if she didn't believe that Jonah wasn't really swallowed by a whale; and the fashion plate who recently told me that she was coveting my shoes during communion the other morning. Oh, yeah.

It's good to have friends, indeed it is.

Crumbs in the Butter

A few years ago I read a book about the "refrigerator rights relationships" that we as a culture (whatever that really means) no longer have. As in, how many people in your circle of friends have "refrigerator rights?" I have a lot of people whom I would offer anything from my fridge, but few (precious, precious few in the area) who know that they can open my fridge when I'm standing there and take something.

We use "tub margarine" or some-such spread. Neither one of us is particular about whether or not there are crumbs in the butter -- the tell-tale sign of double-dipping for your toast. Similar to refrigerator rights, I realized, is that tub of butter-stuff -- there are a few close friends who see the crumbs, probably fewer who feel comfortable leaving their own. Some of this is because we rarely have overnight or brunch company, and those who do stay over are among those with rights.

Why am I thinking about this tonight? *giggles* Well, because I'm indulging in a little snack of wafers with frosting and found myself double-dipping and leaving some crumbs in my tub o' frosting. I'm really the only one who does this in the family, so I'm not concerned. My remedy for the situation? To get another wafer and scoop the 'offending' crumbs.... mmmm. Yummy.

Blogging Manners

It's one of those Friday nights -- DH is gone on retreat with his confirmation kids, so at home it's me, the dog (chewing a rawhide) and the baby (snoring through the monitor). Even though I'm not really worried about being alone, I jump at little noises and wish the dog were bigger, somehow more menacing.

All of this aside, between watching the Olympics and creating a "child of God" box for friends whose baby girl is being baptized tomorrow night, I'm surfing the internet. I visit my standard sites, the ones I visit many times a day (just in case these brilliant folks have posted something new), Google myself (both my real name and my blog) just to see what's out there, check my web-based e-mail, and then follow links randomly on the aforementioned favorite sites.

Following links is a great procrastination tool, but also one that I don't indulge in all that often -- like the full-fat coffee/whipped cream/caramel/chocolate goodness drink from my local barista. Which brings me to this post.

When jumping from link to link to link, I'll happen upon a blog that touches me in that "Wow, that's really cool" or "Wow, I think this person and I have a lot in common and he/she uses words in a clever, creative, fabulous way." I move my mouse to click "comment" and then I stop.

Who am I to comment on this woman's beautiful child without feeling like a stalker and making her feel all freaky about posting pictures online? Even though her child and my child are merely days apart and she writes beautifully?

What could I say to this person who has captured my interest for longer than I'd like to admit, and yet it's clear that I'm not the intended reader?

Daily I have people who visit my site because they searched "pink shoes." Most of them (from what sitemeter reports) skim a page and then probably leave. A few look around for at least a couple of minutes and then move along.

What is the protocol for commenting? Whose sites do you comment upon? What moves you to comment on a "new site?"

I'm just curious -- it's one of those Friday nights -- dog chewing, baby snoring.

Coffee Cup Update

Of the 5 dirty cups from yesterday (see "clear signs" below):

5 were washed this morning

2 have been returned to their respective homes within the church building

2 sit clean on my table

1 is full of steaming coffee on my desk

Friday Five

Winter Olympics Friday Five
1) Which of the Winter Olympic sports is your favorite to watch?
I have many, actually .... but I enjoy many of the non-ice skating events, particularly luge and skeleton. The snowboard cross competition, a new event, had me mesmerized yesterday.

2) Do you speak Snowboardese?
Um, no. However, it's really fun to listen to my husband (who has maybe never been on even skis in his life) make it up.

3) Define Nordic Combined. Don't look it up. Take a guess if you must.
It's a ski race that is a combination of cross country and downhill (although not in the big hill sort of way). Part way through the race skiers change skis for the hillier part of the track.

4) Curling. Please discuss.
If you look at the listing of where the curlers come from, majority if not all, are from Minnesota. My home state. It's like bocce ball on ice if you could flatten the grass in front of the ball like you can smooth the ice in front of the rock. Don't knock it until you've tried it. It's harder than it looks and our local pbs station would broadcast curling tournaments for the minnesotans and the canadians, because it wasn't all that far to our friendly neighbors to the north.

5) If you could be a Winter Olympics Champion just by wishing for it, which sport would you choose for winning your Gold Medal?
If I also got the fitness to along with it? Probably one of the aforementioned -- luge or skeleton, or maybe bobsled.

Clear Signs

Just when I think that I have a few things under control.... I look around my office and think, "Huh..."

Some clear signs to me that I don't have "things" under control:

Number of coffee cups in my office that need to be washed: 5

Number of those coffee cups that have needed to be washed for more than a week: 3

Number of uncapped pens on my desk: 4

Number of CDs out of their cases on my desk: 3

Number of phones calls that I don't want to make: 5

Number of those phone calls that I really need to make today: 3

Number of things that I would rather be doing than working: 6 that I can think of immediately

Number of blogs that I'll read before actually doing anything at work: 5 or 6, possibly more

Number of pieces of chocolate cake I had for breakfast: 1 (which is not to say that I won't have more for lunch)

And, just so you don't think that I'm so completely down on myself ---

Signs that I do have things together:

The clothes that I'm wearing are clean

I got the Baby Boy dressed (also in clean clothes!) and ready before I left

I've already led a Bible study and read to pre-schoolers

I might actually cook tonight

Happy Valentine's Day

I'm not feeling particularly happy or valentine-y this morning; it's important to keep perspective and to chin-up but ...

Why is it that everyone seems to need something from me? And it has to be RIGHT NOW? Happy Freakin' Valentine's Day... Because I wanted to spend breakfast in the customer lounge at my local car repair shop, lunch with a disgruntled parishioner, the evening with church council and every waking moment in between trying to get other reports and articles and done while people with their various levels of passsive aggressive bs ask for things.

End rant.

Preaching

When I sit down to write a sermon, some weeks it flows out of me like liquid from a pouring chalice – smooth and beautiful and lovely. Other weeks it falls out in clumps – not pretty, not graceful, definitely not something that you want others to see, let alone to intentionally share with others.

But Sunday morning comes regardless and sometimes I'm forced to admit that I climb the steps and face the people with a clumpy sermon instead of one that has been refined to perfection.

This week I really don't want to be clumpy. I want to have a sermon that's good – a sermon that I'm comfortable, even excited to preach.

I want to share the good news with enthusiasm and excitement – with clarity and grace. Part of me realizes that it's not about me – that preaching and standing up to proclaim the gospel is far from being about me and all about God and the Good News of Jesus Christ.

And it's in that realization I have to start writing.

Peace to all who preach.

I've been tagged!!

5 more things
It's that Five Meme.
Please feel free to use it as a procrastination tool.

Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Than add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

1. Lucy
2. Phantom Scribbler
3. Songbird
4. Juniper68
5. Pink Shoes

Next, select five people to tag.
WARNING: I'm cheating ...

1. If you read my blog but have never commented
2. If you found my blog by searching for actual footwear
3. If you are a boy (no age limit here)
4. If you live outside of the United States
5. If you want to play

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Going to college, trying to figure out what to do for the summer.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Preparing for Lent.

Five snacks you enjoy
1. Canned frosting and graham crackers
2. Fruit -- strawberries, grapes, watermelon
3. Cookies, chocolate chip, please
4. Animal crackers (also good with frosting...)
5. Scones (not really a 'snack,' I guess...)

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics
1. I know that there are at least five, but I'm absolutely terrible with titles and the like.

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire
1. Pay cash for a nice car -- like a Mercedes station wagon. I know, I'm a nerd.
2. Eliminate my debt
3. Buy a piece of land for vacations
4. (How many millions do I have here....?)
5. Buy a house?

Five bad habits
1. Losing my keys.
2. Being cranky or snippy for no real good reason
3. Thinking that no one believes I am actually a pastor, even my congregants
4. Procrastinating... really, really procrastinating
5. Browsing the web (see 4)

Five things you like doing
1. Reading
2. Crunching through the leaves in the fall
3. Traveling
4. Preaching
5. Making the Baby Boy laugh


Five things you would never wear again
1. Leg warmers
2. Braces
3. Short-shorts ... just not gonna happen
4. Bright lipstick
5. Anything with a peplum

Five favorite toys
1. Play doh
2. My digital camera
3. Full-size weber grill
4. iTunes
5. Paper and ribbons

What's really important?

In an attempt to overcome the overwhelming sense of dread that I get from my office, the laundry room, the kitchen, etc., I'm trying to figure out exactly what is important to me. This isn't a definitive list, nor is it entirely serious, but it's what's coming to mind. I figure it's worthwhile to think about these things occasionally so that I don't go completely crazy.

So, continuing the perpetual state of discernment, here are some things that are important to me:

... Having time to read at the end of the day.

... Having enough money to pay the bills.

... Not feeling guilty for taking 10 minutes to stop for coffee before going to the office.

... Being surrounded by people who value time and recognize the value of others' time.

... Seeing pretty things every day.

... Not being overwhelmed by life.

What's important to you?

Flurry of prayer requests

It's been one of those days, O Lord, when the petitions fly through the air like snowflakes.

... for my mother's cousin
... for the family of a college friend who died at 32
... for a friend whose congregation knows conflict far too well
... for friends who are new parents and worried about their baby girl
... for whatever else that you know that we need O, Lord...

Amen.

Sassy Pastor and Buy of the Night

Having survived yet another illness, another retreat and my second annual congregational meeting, what do I remember from the past seven days?

Being called "Sassy Pastor."

I like it.

So, Sassy Pastor went to Target tonight with Baby Boy.

The buy of the night?
A box of 8 martini glasses for $4.98.
Sassy Pastor bought two boxes.
Cheers.

Magazine Meme

Based on my post below, I'm curious about your magazine reading habits --

Do you read magazines?

Do you keep them once you've read them? Recycle them? Donate them to the library or a resale shop?

What do you read that you recommend to others?

Do you read denomination or craft or vocation-specific magazines?

Where do you get them? Do you subscribe? Read them at the library? Buy them at the newstand or bookstore?

Oooo... Maybe I'll discover a new magazine.... I can hardly wait!

Scheduled Outage and Organization

When I logged into blogger just now it told me about a scheduled outage that they're having. Clearly I wasn't going to blog about that, as I didn't know about it.

However, as I blow my nose and rub my eyes, I desperately wish that I could schedule my outages. After being sick for what feels like all of January, I'm tired of outages. This feels like a pretty standard "common cold" but still crummy.

In my quest to be more organized this year, I've been doing some reading on simplifying and organizing. Funny, isn't it, that instead of doing it, I'm reading about doing it. Ah, yes.

Someone recommended paring down the magazine subscriptions that one gets. Of all the horrifying suggestions that I've read, this maybe takes the cake. It's true that I don't read everything that we get, but I can't imagine not getting them. There are two that I will let lapse this next year. One because in all the years I've gotten a certain cooking magazine, I've only once made one of the light recipes that they tout -- and then I added extra goat cheese to the recipe, so it probably didn't negated everything. And, the other because I feel bad when I read it and it seems that there's enough things in my life that make me feel bad.

So, with that, I'm off to read Real Simple at lunch. Cheers.

Five Pleasures of My Life

In no particular order -- and clearly not the only pleasures in my life!

1. Nice pens. I just bought some new ones this morning and they're dreamy -- Colored Foray roller tips (pink, orange, green, purple, etc.) and more serviceable Pilot Precise v5s in blue, black, red, but also purple and green with a bonus Pilot PreciseGrip pen.

2. A massage or a massage chair pedicure. Enough said. It's been far too long.

3. Joseph Schmidt truffles. The perfect gift when boxed.

4. A flight of wine with cheese.

5. A quick-read book from the library

And sometimes I don't

love the people whom I serve.

I thought about posting this last night, but I was still steaming -- after venting to my Dear Colleague and later to my Dear Husband. Nearly 24 hours later, I'm not really steaming anymore and can sort of laugh it off (until it happens again) but I'm not ready to let it go, so I'll post it here...

Context: It's late afternoon and I'm in my office at the end of the hallway. My colleague's office is next to mine, but he's not in it. I'm finishing up a few things and mentally preparing to transition to two back-to-back off-site meetings.

I hear someone coming down the hall and welcome the distraction. Sweet Liza (not her real name), whose daughter is a pastor, sticks her head in my office and then in Dear Colleague's office and then back in mine says,

"I thought I saw the pastor come down here, but I guess not. Maybe you can help me..."

Even just writing it down makes me get a little bubbly around the edges, because evidently in this context you have to be over 60 and A MAN to be a PASTOR... For the record, it'll be ANOTHER 30 years before I think about hitting 60 and I'll NEVER be a MAN....

Her request?

Whether or not the nursery could use a play-pen. Clearly she needed to talk to The Pastor.

Where was The Pastor during this exchange?

In the kitchen.

That part makes me smile.

New Song Obsession

I know it's a little bit cheesy, but every time I've seen the ad for "Boston Legal" this past week, with special guest Michael J. Fox, I've gotten a little weepy.
I openly cried once, just during the ad. Part of it is the personal cultural impact of Fox as an actor, part of it is the song that they chose to accompany the ad and the scene.
I obsessively searched for it tonight, scouring "boston legal" websites and searching for snippets of lyrics. Isn't the internet a great thing?
After I found it, I bought it from iTunes and am now listening to it on repeat.
In case you're wondering, the song is Warren Zevon's "Keep Me in Your Heart for A While" from his album, "The Wind."
He finished the album after being diagnosed with cancer.

The Four Meme, slightly edited

Four Jobs I've Had in My Life (before being a pastor)
Broasting chicken
Selling books
Nanny
Waiting tables


Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over, and Have
Beautiful Girls
Whalerider
Love Actually
Life as a House

Four TV Shows I Love To Watch
Will and Grace
Law and Order
The Today Show
The News

Four Places I Have Been On Vacation
Antigua, Guatemala
Galena, IL
Southern California
North Shore, Lake Superior, Minnesota Side

Four Favorite Foods
Zuppa Toscana at Olive Garden
Thin crust pizza
My dad's chocolate chip cookies
Bleu Cheese Burger

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now
Target
A wine tasting
Reading in a cabin on a lake
Listening to Barbara Brown Taylor

Travelin' Five

Edited to provide some rationale and changed to be able to provide the reasoning without giving up some anonymity.

In no particular order, five places that I've been that have been important to me...

1. Bountiful, Utah -- because I was lost.

2. Norway -- because it forced me to get a passport, which needs renewing this year.

3. Honolulu -- because it made me feel glamorous. Until I got so sunburnt on my backside the day before I left that it hurt to sit down for the entire flight home. And it's a long flight from Hawaii to the midwest.

4. Lewiston, Maine -- because it was to see a boy who was a summer fling who should have stayed a summer fling.

5. San Juan Capistrano, CA -- because it was to see a boy who wasn't a summer fling but maybe should have been.

Sisters

I've always wondered what it would be like to have a sister.

I'm the only girl in a two-child family.

My brother and I are quite a few years apart and have never really developed that sibling bond. We're both far more like only children than kids who had a sibling. We live in different states and see each other for the occasional holiday that our schedules allow. I wouldn't call us close.

I see sisters in worship and think how lucky they are. I read the blogs of sisters and idealize their relationship -- thinking that the comments they leave one another and the references they make to one another are beautiful examples of what it means to be family. I know that it's not always that way and that there is plenty of strife that probably comes along with having a sister or two.

I know that I am guilty of idealizing the relationships that other families have -- whether sisters or brothers or simply close siblings -- while ignoring or at least minimizing the fights and name calling and bitterness that sometimes exists between siblings. And, that more than a sister, I want that ideal relationship with a sibling that doesn't really exist.

However, when I say it in my mind, it comes out like a little child petitioning a parent, "I want a sister."

Some random thoughts for the morning

Although I realize that it's already afternoon, in my mind it's morning -- because after a 3+ hour council meeting and a darling Baby Boy who decided to get up twice in the very short time between when I got home and when daylight broke, my DH took BB to daycare this morning and I went back to bed ... I feel somewhat like a slacker because I then slept until nearly 11, but I need to remind myself that a) I was really sick last week AND b) I'm at church three evenings this week AND c) I'm on an overnight retreat with confirmation students Friday and all day Saturday AND d) just because my colleague is a workaholic doesn't mean that I need to be, too.

So, onward and upward with some other random thoughts --

I love stamps -- good ol' postage stamps. Without any commentary on rising postage costs, stamps are one venue in which pretty and interesting doesn't cost more.

Tidying the piles on my desk makes me feel like I've cleaned. I realize it's only on the surface, but it makes me feel better.

It would be helpful to look at the texts for this weekend, as I'm preaching and there is that aforementioned confirmation retreat that will suck the life out of Saturday.

I hope you all are well.

Well

It's been a really long time since I've been as sick as I was this week.

I hope that it's a long time before it happens again.

I don't dare to venture that I'm 100% yet, but I'm back to work, for at least part of the day. And it doesn't hurt to swallow anymore.

These are all good things.
Thanks to all for the well wishes. I'm on the mend.

love

As I'm contemplating my resolutions, I'm thinking that one of them might be to be a more positive person. This might surprise my friends as I'm often the optimist of the bunch. I guess I'm thinking of being more positive as I think of my call and the transitioning world around me. Perhaps I mean less anxious -- and a way of going about that, I think, is to acknowledge the positives in the world.

And so, for the eve of the new year, a very short list of things (trivial and monumental) that I love at the moment:

My family -- in all of its craziness -- husband and son, in-laws and immediates, distant weird ones who talk too much and close ones who don't talk at all. I love you.

My new sparkly house shoes -- who would have thought that olive green could look so good with sparkles. I knew I really loved them when I retrieved the paper in them this morning and gasped as I saw they'd gotten wet.

My friends -- in all of your incarnations -- the ones with whom I've stayed up all night talking and laughing and those who only know me as 'pink shoes' and are OK with that, near and far, those who have known me since junior high or college and send me Christmas cards even though I've never, ever sent you a card. This is your year, by the way...

My bathrobe -- with its ultimate softness and polka dots -- which I bought on a whim and didn't hesitate for even a moment.

Happy New Year!
What do you love?

RevGal Friday Five: Resolutions

1) Do you make New Year's Resolutions?
Sometimes.

2) If so, are they generally successful?
About as successful as the practices to which I attend during Lent. Which is to say -- occasionally. I'm better at keeping resolutions, or attending to spiritual practices if they aren't made in conjunction with a 'formal' event or time. ie, if no one expects me to be making a resolution... However, perhaps my best success was when I resolved to become a better tipper at restaurants. I used to not be a very good tipper, even though I waited tables in college -- now I'm a very conscientious tipper and often generous.

3) Do you write them down, or make a mental list?
Mental list.

4) Even if you don't make resolutions, is there something you want to focus on in the New Year?
I've been thinking about that this week -- and I'm still thinking.

5) And do you have plans for New Year's Eve?
Yep -- we have a SITTER!! because we have early dinner reservations with friends.

Reports and Review

Our annual reports to our bishops are available for filling out and sending in. It was a good moment in my usual-procrastination-filled life that I actually did this yesterday. I mean, I actually filled it out and sent it in.

Filling out this form in which I list what continuing education opportunities I've taken and what my special emphases will be for the next year and what support or encouragement I need for them is an interesting adventure. It's good to review and it's good (for me) to be accountable to someone else. I'm far more productive that way.

Of course there are lots of things that I didn't report to the Bishop -- not that there was space for them, or that I would have wanted to report them, anyway. But I can do that here. So, as I review the past year, here's a partial report. Note: none of these headings actually are on the report.

Re: Preaching and presiding
I've learned that people like my sermons and that my voice doesn't make dog barks when I chant the liturgy as I once thought it did. Some people have even remarked that I have a 'lovely' singing voice. Huh.

Re: Pastoral presence
It's important for me to wear my collar when I go to the hospital or the nursing home. However, I've learned that not only do the old women at the home recognize me as a pastor, they're OK with it. And, I'm OK with the fact that they call me sweetheart and honey. And, for as young as they say that I am, the youth group thinks I'm really not that young. No matter how cool my bowling shoes are. And they're pretty cool.

Re: My surroundings
The suburbs aren't THAT bad. Really. I think. OK, I'm still working on this one -- perhaps a good "growing edge" for next year.

Re: My tolerance for pain
While I still can't stand the thought of getting a shot or having blood drawn or seeing anyone else get a shot or blood drawn, I must have an inner core of something somewhere, as I gave birth to my child without anything for the pain. While on pitocin.

Re: What gives me strength
Being proactive and getting a blog and joining the RevGalBlogPals webring and writing with some regularity. I used to write a lot ... considered myself something of a 'writer,' whatever that meant in my world at the time, and hadn't for a long time.

Happy New Year to all. May your year be a good one.
Cheers.

My own meme -- via revgalblogpals

1. What is the best gift you received this year? (Tangible gifts only, please!)
Tickets to see "Wicked" and dinner reservations.

2. What is the best gift you gave this year?
I felt like my gifts lacked some of the creative lustre that they sometimes have ... probably the remote controlled bug car for my three-almost-four year old nephew. But he hasn't opened it yet, so shhhhhh...

3. When did you do most of your shopping/creating?
Mid-November and then again in the days before Christmas.

4. Did you go shopping the day after Thanksgiving (U.S.)? Today?
Yes to both -- and neither a wholly bad experience!

5. What stands out already about Christmas 2005?
The first Christmas with the Baby Boy and the craziness that ensued because of it... also the lack of centrality that opening presents had, in contrast to other years. Baby Boy is teething (he got the lyrical "two front teeth" for Christmas) and his crankiness or charmingness dictated much of our celebration, in addition to the eight services between us that My Husband the Preacher and I had on Christmas Eve/Day.

Because it's good to remind myself

10 things that I like about "my church"

1. We have a fantastic music director who knocks my socks off

2. People genuinely seem to like each other (for the most part)

3. Change happens (slowly sometimes, but it happens)

4. My office is pretty

5. We have three people going to/applying to seminary right now

6. I can have a conversation with my colleague about church and about non-church things

7. It's not perfect

8. People smile when they come in the front door

9. I can be a little sassy with most folks

10. The people here know that they are children of God (if only because we tell them every week!)

Controlled Chaos

In no way am I going to proclaim that I have it all together. You don't have to read very far in my archives to know that I'm hanging on by a thread most days.... However, there's the strangest feeling that comes over me every December that I've been a pastor-type: the sense of controlled chaos.

Little things don't seem to bother me -- like the fact that everyone was late for our meeting on Monday, or only one person showed up for a meeting I called Sunday after worship, or even the bigger things, like the once-again three hour council meeting last night seem to slide away.

I know that it will all come crashing down again in January -- which for me is always far worse than December, because it's all about expectations. In December, everyone expects that I'm so busy that many things don't happen. But in January, when we're getting down to the details for the annual meeting and everyone else is gearing to go because they were so busy in December, then the world spins a little faster.

It could just be, also, that I'm lulled into some strange state of being as a result of the over-decorated stores that I frequent, and that this time of year I give some thought about how to show my appreciation for the staff, making me realize that I do really like (and even respect usually) the people with whom I work.

RevGal Snow Day

1) Snow: love it or hate it?
Love it, particularly if I don't have to drive anywhere -- I'm a bigger fan of snow outside the city, where it can be pretty for longer.

2) First snow memory
Hmmmm... Not sure that I have a particular memory -- lots of snowforts and tunnels in our front yard (a native Minnesotan), snowball fights with my brother, etc.
At one point I fell off of the snowmobile with my brother driving, into a slushy spot on the river -- I was maybe 5 or 6, in school either way -- and my snowsuit was wet and cold...

3) Best Snow Day ever (actual or imagined)
They cancelled classes at my college alma mater a couple of times because of snow and weather -- I can't remember what I did, but there was something fantastically wonderful about a snow day in college.

4) Best use of snow in a movie, song, book or poem
The collection of poetry for kids, Winter Poems
I found a copy of this at a used book sale and I love to look at it this time of year.

5) What you are planning to do today, with or without snow
We have snow and it's beautiful!! The sun is out and the sidewalks are shoveled and the roads are safe -- and, get this, I'm taking the afternoon OFF to do home things -- decorating and shopping and maybe even cook a meal for dinner!!! I'm so excited I can hardly sit still.

Calling all parents ... Help!

OK, the darling Baby Boy is almost 7 months old and about 2 months ago we introduced cereal to his diet. We haven't been real consistent, but it was going well.
He tried peas and sweet potatoes and seemed to like both until he threw up; we promptly discontinued that adventure.
Now he's refusing everything but me or a bottle -- he'll have 6 bites of cereal at daycare or a couple with me or none at all. He's gaining weight and growing and seems happy ... I'll admit it's me (and my husband) with the "what's wrong" complex.
Anyone else out there have a child who didn't like baby food (jarred or freshly pureed or frozen... I've tried fruits and veggies)and turned out just fine?

It's been awhile

Since I posted something of substance. I write a lot of posts in my head -- beautiful essay-type posts that clarify my position on the church, my job, my marriage and my child. These brain-posts are helpful in the moment, when I hear the words in my mind as I'm driving, but they don't do anything for my blog -- and when I go to retrieve them, they most often aren't there.

I had the thought yesterday that I should do some sort of free writing exercise on my blog -- a daily post of some sort without rhyme or reason. I'm not sure that I'm that disciplined or that I have that much to say... although, really, that's not the point. It is usally how my sermons start, though: A style of writing in which I sit down and start typing, "If no one were going to be offended by anything that I said, this is what I would say....." Or, "If I didn't care what anyone thought, here's what I would preach....." Perhaps the scariest for me to begin with is: "What I need to hear from this text...." Usually a sermon develops that allows me to say what needs to be said and no one gets up to leave.

I do a lot more reading of blogs than I have been posting -- and that's good and bad. I read lovely posts that inspire me to do something or to write and then I think, "Oh, but I could never write like (fill in the blank)." I'm not really that insecure, just have my moments of perfectionist freakishness.

So, I raise my glass (er, my super-size coffee mug) to all the faithful bloggers out there who write something for me to read. Some days I'm not sure what I would do without you!

The Christian Calendar

I'm a little behind on this post -- and actually on ordering my own -- but this is a great calendar. Instead of following the months, it follows the seasons of the church. It has fantastic art work, and this year it's supposed to be bigger and better.
I don't usually plug commercial ventures, but this one is a mission project of the University Hill Congregation - United Church of Canada, Vancouver, BC. I like to support the neighbors to the North. This will be my third year using the calendar and it's helpful to remind myself of the other ordering of my days...
Even if you don't order one, take a look at their website.
Peace, and Happy Adventing.

1 Thing

That I wasn't hoping for on my Thanksgiving trip/vacation?

A blizzard.

We (are supposed to) leave for home tomorrow (Tuesday). We'll see if the roads are open in the morning.

O Lord, please watch over all travelers when the winds blow and the snow falls to cover pure ice. Amen.

10 Things

That I'm looking forward to about my upcoming Thanksgiving Vacation. We leave Tuesday for a Northern Destination that was once Home. We'll be gone a whole w-e-ek.

In no particular order ...

1. My Aunt-in-Law's Beans.

2. Pumpkin pie

3. Chocolate Covered Potato Chips
... Not all 10 are about food...

4. Seeing my nieces and nephew

5. Taking a nap

6. Shopping on the crazy, Day After Thanksgiving

7. The long drive. Seriously.

8. Taking Baby Boy swimming

9. Having a cold drink on a cold night in my in-laws hot tub ... and recognizing that it's not the most responsible thing, I promise not to be alone.

10. Seeing my 96-year old grandmother

Happy Thanksgiving!

Friday Five

The RevGalBlogPal Kiddie Lit Edition

1) Earliest book you remember (read to you or by you)
Hmmm... there are a few that come back to me, probably not earliest, but certainly favorites -- an alphabet book, "The Mouse Book," "Bread and Jam for Francis" and, um the 'A' volume of the World Book... yeah.

2) Picture Book you would like to climb into
This is a tough one -- I always wanted to actually be in the game CandyLand, as opposed to playing it. And, I was really intrigued by the treehouses in the Berenstein Bears series...

3) Favorite series of books (then or now)
Again, another tough one -- Big fan of Anne of Green Gables and the other series by LM Montgomery that I'm blanking on...

4) Character you would most like to meet
The parents from Bread and Jam for Francis...

5) Last childhood book you re-read (for yourself or to someone)
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?

Hope

It's snowing here in this midwestern city that I'm beginning to call home (after some seven-going-on-eight years). And, while the bitter cold that has rattled doors and shattered glass the past few days is not my favorite, there's a sense that winter is coming. And with winter, Advent. Hope.

It's cold and I wear gloves now with cute scarves and a vintage coat from my grandmother. I rush from the car to the house with my child and rub his cheeks and laugh with him at the cold. And with the warmth of the house, Thanksgiving. Hope.

The days are shorter and the leaves are on the ground and my more responsible neighbors have cleaned their lawns and put out the hoods for their rose bushes. But my rose bush continues to bloom, right there in the front of the house. I know that I need to cover it soon, perhaps tonight, but for now there is the garish pink of a rose against the drab gray. And with that color, Remebrance. Hope.

My extended family will be together in a week or so to celebrate Thanksgiving in bits and pieces of turkey and beans and pie and I'll probably need more than a glass of good wine to get it all down. But four generations of love and dysfunction will break bread together. And with that communion, Grace. Hope.

I am reminded this season of the great blessings that I have -- home and health and family and love and friends and enough of it all to go around. And with it all, Hope.

The Pie Meme

I love pie -- actually, I'd be more honest if I said that I love dessert and from there i'd have to say that I love breakfast as it can often be another excuse for dessert (see my post below re: nutella stuffed french toast).

I love meringue, but often don't like the pie that goes under it -- ie, lemon or the raisin cream that my mom seemed to make. Banana cream pie with meringue, that I can do.

Favorite pie? Probably would have to be a fresh strawberry-rhubarb pie ...

Pie that I liked that I wasn't expecting? Pecan pie that had been warmed -- served with coffee ice cream and hot fudge sauce.

Not a big fan of: pie crust -- I know that it can be well done, but it often stands in the way of enjoying a good pie filling.

TIps o' the trade

It's been a crazy week and without all the boring details of evening meetings and review boards and and and I spent about an hour in the office this afternoon before I shut everything down and left.

I wasn't upset, I just realized that for my own sanity, I didn't need to be there -- that I had done enough for the day and that I would be back tonight. Walking away from the builidng was very freeing; I'm not always able to do that without feeling tremendous guilt, but today it worked. And it made me start to think about developing other coping techniques so that I don't get to the point of cracking.

How do you do it? What are your tips and tricks o' the trade of living a healthy and balanced life? I'm not looking for the well-thought out exercise routine or the devoutly followed devotional plan -- because i'll be honest, my life isn't there right now; I'm happy to make it out of the house in the morning without forgetting anything crucial (ie, my planner, milk for the baby, the baby himself).

I'd love to hear about the little things that make you think "Ahhhhhhh -- that's better" when you do them and when I hear about them they make me think, "Ah-ha! I can do that!"

I'll share some of mine in a future blog.

Update & Nutella

One of the very first posts that I had queried folks about working on Saturdays. I was in a fairly bitter place at that point -- having just returned from maternity leave and having an in-the-office expectation for Saturdays placed upon me.

Today is Saturday -- a rather dreary, weather-turning colder one at that -- and I'm in the office. And I'm the only one here. And I'm being productive -- finishing up little tasks that I'd put aside for this day, doing some file cleaning, some organizing, and I'm OK with it.

Partially, I'm realizing that not only was I feeling like cracking because I was never home, but also because I was never fully at work, either. Today I'm fully here -- the Baby Boy is at home and I'm able to be efficient and productive and not resentful toward anyone. It's a really, really good feeling.

Also helped by the fact that I have a specific ending time with a really great reward -- an afternoon brunch with friends at a favorite breakfast place that has Nutella-stuffed French Toast. Is is breakfast? Is it dessert? Do I care? It's FANTASTIC and it makes me smile.

Cracking

I spaced a breakfast catch-up with a parishioner this morning. Completely and totally didn't think about it until I heard the voicemail this afternoon -- and I feel really, really crappy about the whole thing. I mean, I was the one who set the appointment up. We had confirmed the other night. I was looking forward to it.
She'll be OK with it and we'll go forward and I won't feel so bad, but it's all compounded by the fact that Baby Boy was up 4 times last night (usually once, maybe twice), I'm sick, my dear husband is sicker, I didn't actually see my child awake for more than an hour yesterday (including morning getting-ready time) and I probably won't be home tonight before he goes to bed, either.
I hate to whine, and didn't even want to post this rant/rage/pity post because I don't want to appear weak -- I mean, I should be able to do it all, right? Be a mom and a wife and a pastor and a daughter and make travel plans for the holidays and do the laundry and clean the house, right? I know, as I type it, how ridiculous it sounds and untrue. My husband and I share a lot (when he's not sick) and the house won't fall down if it's not clean. But I become irritable and my expectations of what I'm supposed to be able to do go up when my plate becomes over-full.
I desperately want to say, "I'm not doing it." Whatever it might be. But I also know that's not in me -- really. I'm just trying to figure out how to cope, how to get organized enough so that my life is manageable again. I don't want to be sad when I look at my house. I want to be able to enjoy what I do and the people I love. I don't want to be the super-person, but I would like to be on top of things enough not to subsist on luna bars and funsize butterfingers and coffee.
And perhaps most of all, I don't want the people closest to me to know that I'm cracking around the edges.

Reformation Day

Happy Reformation Day!

May our church always be a place where the voices of reform are voiced and heard.
However, as I told the 3rd graders that I was teaching on Sunday: If I received 95 complaints on one day, I'd probably cry.

Here's to Reforming and Trick-or-treating!

I keep a lot that should be thrown away

Here's one that I've kept since my days as a college RA. I think I've kept it only for the title and the first and the concept of a "Maytag's mothering."

Frumpy as I feel

My jeans need a Maytag's mothering tonight as I walk the halls up stairs and down Shhhhhhh I look straight ahead – don't see the glimmer of Lite. The lights burn strong candles don't die or burn low, but at both ends. I misplace things miss them in front of me Loreena Mckennit sings in the background while other things – my computer, the fridge, the lights, hum along. I wait. I read. I watch. I ponder divine inspirations. The snow falls, covers my mind, spins stories all night. As I walked down the stairs I figured my jeans needed a Maytag's mothering tonight.

May she rest in peace

At the front of the bus, or really, wherever she chooses to rest.

Rosa Parks died Monday (10/24) at the age of 92.

With praise and thanksgiving for her witness, Amen.

Friday Meme

The Friday RevGalBlogPals Meme...

1. What was the last CD you purchased?
I honestly can't remember -- isn't that sad. I've become a big fan of Paste magazine and each of their issues comes with a sampler CD, so that's a possibility. But I think it might have been The Barenaked Ladies Holiday album.

2. Did you like it?
I loved it -- especially the version of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen that's on there.

3. Is it the kind of music you would call your favorite?
Apart from being the holiday cd, it is. It's fun and a little folky and random.

4. What was the first album (CD for you youngsters) you ever owned?
They Might Be Giants "Flood" was the first CD that I bought. I know I had tapes before that but can't remember specifics -- some U2 and some REM.

5. And what was your favorite cut from that recording?
"Particle Man" or "Constantinople" It's been awhile since I listened to it -- I probably have the whole thing memorized and don't realize it. Ah, precious brain space.

Sweet stewardship

Sometimes someone will say something to me that sticks with me.

Here is what's been tumbling in my head this week:

After worship Sunday morning, by this 70-something Army widow who is the epitome of charm and togetherness that I aspire to be: "Now Pastor, that was about the sweetest stewardship sermon I have ever heard. And let me tell you, I've been around for a lot of them."

Sojourners

Note: If I were typing this at work (on a PC) or had the energy to fire up Foxfire (since I'm at home using a Mac), I would create all sorts of fun links to go along with the following post. But, since I am at home using my Mac and blogger doesn't support the Safari browser, or however that works, there aren't easy little shortcut keys to create links. So, just pretend.

The most recent issue of Sojourners arrived in my mailbox at work today. It was their fall books and music issue. After sifting through the recommendations in the Christian Century, I wasn't sure that life could get much better. But it did. This issue of Sojourners is full of what appear to be interesting books and ear-pleasing music. Some of which (Over the Rhine) I'd never heard of until a few days when Katherine over at "any day a beautiful change" (kewp.blogspot.com) referenced the new cd. And now they appear in this delightful publication. Others, such as Dar Williams, have been staples in my listening rotation for years and I was practically giddy to realize she has something new.

They also have reviewed some children's/young adult books -- something that gets done far too infrequently and I often have no idea either what to recommend to folks with kids that age or to buy for my nieces.

I didn't have time to get through it completely, but I look forward to doing so.

If you don't get Sojourners, check out their website (www.sojo.net).

Getting sucked in

This morning, when I should have been getting myself or The Baby Boy ready for the day, I got sucked into too many of those little quizzes that tell you something about yourself and then you can post them on your blog. There's a whole page of them. I'm sure that you knew that before I told you.
I could tell you what color my blog should be, what summer car I am, what kind of pizza I am.... and the list goes on for longer than I care to admit.
They reminded me of the sorta fun (did I just say that??) ice-breaker games that we played at camp and in the dorms and at the start of confirmation... Except instead of the answer being generated for me, I had to come up with something meaningful on my own in response to a pretty pointless question or inquiry about a favorite.
Some of my answers have varied, but others have always been the same to these questions. Come on, play along. You know you want to....

If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
I've always said a koala -- because I think they're really-really cute. And, deep down, I guess I wanted people to think that I'm really-really cute.

If you could live anywhere, where would you live?
A tough one -- tonight, after being with people for a long time, I'm dreaming of someplace remote. My main requirement -- that it have some scenery, or at least be close to some!

What is your favorite color?
Green or blue or pink

How did you get your name?
Both my first and middle names are incredibly common, generationally-driven. I always wished my parents had been a bit original. My Blogger name came about because of my love for a certain pair of shoes and the time I dared wear them in the pulpit!

So, there you go -- a few ice breaker questions and my responses. What are your 'favorite' ice breakers? What are your responses?

The Friday Meme, done Saturday

With kudos to the revgalblogpals....

1) The weather in your location
Sunny, crips, autumnal and lovely

2) Where you are typing this
In my living room

3) Where you might like to be sitting if you could be anywhere
In a luxurious hotel, perhaps on a beach

4) A chore you have to do this weekend
Some laundry

5) Something delightful you will do or would like to do this weekend
I'd love to pick some apples and take some outdoor pictures of The Baby Boy

Reading

Just finished (ie, plowed through, was thoroughly unable to stop) reading Ruth Reichl's latest: "Garlic and Sapphires: The Secret LIfe of a Critic in Disguise." Reichl is currently the editor of Gourmet magazine but has been the food critic for both the LA Times and the NY Times and this memoir recounts the disguises she wore and the adventures she had while working for NY.

This is a fantastic read, especially if you enjoy reading about restaurants you'll never visit and food you'll never eat. She intersperses recipes, too -- a few of which look doable by even the most amateurish of cooks. Ah, if only I had a bit more time... anyway.

I'm always looking for my next good read. Any suggestions?

A "Good Pastor"

So a while back I had some days of contemplation -- days in which large parts were spent thinking about things. Sometimes it spiraled into the abyss. Other times I was left to ponder seemingly simple questions.

I know that there's no right or wrong answer to this question, and I'm trying to formulate my own thoughts around it. But, what makes a good pastor? People say, "You're a good pastor" but what are they responding to? Because I laugh at their jokes and they think I'm "fun" and remind them of their granddaughter or daughter?

Is a pastor good (and I'm not even sure that's the language that I want to use) when she listens well, preaches with integrity and honesty, and can be a prophet?

Is a pastor good when she can be an administrator and have good follow through?

Is a pastor good when she facilitates not only meetings but growth and challenge?

Like I said, I don't know the answers (and I'm having a hard time articulating the question), but I am thinking about this.

The way continuing ed should be: Brueggeman and Bombay

Last week Walter Brueggeman presented the annual Christian Century lectures. I didn't know what to expect -- some people can write, but can't speak in front of people without being boring. I hoped, since he's been a professor for so long, that he could do his share. I also hoped, that he could speak to us as pastors, not students, by which I mean this: I hoped that when I walked away on Friday afternoon that I would have something that I could use.
I was not disappointed.
He taught.
He listened.
He invited feedback.
He was thoughtful.
He made me think. (And that was OK.)
He reminded me that being a pastor is all about being a student -- that what I love about being a pastor is learning and learning and learning so that I can share that with others. Sometimes I get wrapped in the tedium of the day and forget to learn, sometimes simply for the sake of learning.
Of course, starting Thursday evening with a beautiful Bombay Sapphire martini didn't hurt, either.
Brueggeman and Bombay -- Cheers.

What's in Your Car?

I pulled into a parking spot this morning and looked around my car. It was quite the hovel.
To be honest, for the most part, it still is.
While on a certain level I was embarassed by what surrounded me, I was more curious about what the contents of my car said or say about me.
When you walk past a car in a parking lot, do you ever catch a glimpse of what's in the car and have a little clue of what that person's life might be like?
Maybe I'm the only one.
Regardless, I thought I'd share a few of the things that you could see if you looked in my car windows....

1. A to-go bag from McDonald's (this was the most embarassing part)
2. My home communion kit
3. The car seat base
4. Bulletins from the past couple of Sundays.
5. The Baby Bjorn baby-carrier
6. An empty Starbucks cup
7. A bib
8. A vintage red Pyrex mixing bowl that I bought at a garage sale that hasn't quite made it in the house.
9. A road map
10. A package of gum

What would I see if I looked in your car?

Marked with the Cross

There are times in worship that have marked me. A child who answers perfectly during a children's sermon. The woman who always listens so intently when I preach. The first time someone called me "Pastor."
This morning Connor (not his real name) -- a three-year old who has Downs Syndrome -- marked me. He doesn't speak, but it's clear that he communicates relatively well with his parents. I don't know him that well -- in the just-over-a-year that I've been with these folks, this is a family that has flown under the radar for the most part. Only recently have I noticed them.
Worship was long this morning -- a number of "extra" things and what felt like a particularly long sermon by my Dear Colleague. I was tired by the time that Communion came around, and feeling a bit unsteady on my feet. When I bless the younguns who don't receive the bread and wine, I squat down so that I'm eye level with them instead of looking down on them. I usually say a relatively long blessing as I make the sign of the cross on their forehead -- "May the Lord bless you and keep you, watch over you and guide you all the days of your life." I know that I could just say "God loves you" and it would mean the same thing, but this has always sounded right to me.
Anyway.
When Connor's family came up to the rail, I gave his mom her portion and then squatted down to bless Connor.
This beautiful child, his hands folded so properly, looked into my eyes without hesitation or reservation. He looked solemnly at me until about part-way through my little spiel when his face broke into the biggest and most genuine smile I have seen in a really long time. I felt like he was saying, "And you, too, Pastor -- May the Lord bless you, too."
Thank you, dear child, for your blessing.

Summers off

Well, all the folks who "took the summer off" were back in worship Sunday.
Perhaps not all, but many.
I wonder what they do with their Sunday mornings during the summer.
Tee times.
Brunch.
Swimming in their pools.
Sleeping in.
Perusing the really good farmers market that's only open Sunday mornings.
Leisurely paper reading with coffee and pastries.
Those sound like lovely things to do, when one just doesn't feel like going to church.
I try not to be bitter toward them when I don't feel like going and yet don't have a choice, really.
I mean, maybe they visit other congregations. Maybe.
But probably not.

Nothing: A rare (non-)event

I don't have a meeting tonight at church...
My husband doesn't have a meeting tonight at his church...
We don't have some sort of open house or obligation for the Baby Boy's day care...
There's no family in town...
The lawn has been mowed...
Neither one of us is preaching this weekend...
I've even paid the bills that had built up...

It's a little bit strange to think about an evening with nothing. Part of me wants to do something... to fill this seeming void with an outing or a task -- to be productive somehow. I don't want to waste this time.
What a lovely little quandry I have. What a gift.

And I cried

I rarely "practice" sermons in the pulpit. Either I don't have time because I'm finishing the writing up until the last minute or I simply don't think about it. I was a competitive speaker in high school and preaching has never scared me from the perspective of actually talking in front of people.
But I practiced my sermon Saturday afternoon, in anticipation of the Saturday night service and the baptism and my bishop's presence and my parents and my in-laws. All things considered, it just seemed like a good idea.
And I cried -- alone in the sanctuary -- about half-way through my sermon I just lost it.
Overwhelmed with the emotion of the week's events ... exhausted from having family in town and a teething baby ... whatever the reason I thought, "Well, it's a good thing I practiced so I don't actually cry when there are people here."
Uh-huh.
I should have known better.
I got really, really choked up during worship.
And more than anything, after worship was over and we'd had cake and I was trying to sleep before doing it all over again this morning, I was mad, angry that I'd *almost* cried in the pulpit.
Somehow I thought that people would think less of me.
Maybe I thought less of myself that I couldn't "keep it together."
Clearly I'm still sorting out (without trying to dwell or obsess about it) how I feel about all of it.
I didn't get choked up this morning. I felt better. But I did wonder which sermon (service) was better.

Water

Water, go away.
While I struggle to make sense, along with everyone else, of the tragedy that seems to be compounding along the Gulf, I am also preparing to preach at the baptism of my son.

Water, come down.
I give thanks for the power of baptism and the community of faith that will gather to welcome Baby Boy into the family of God.

Water, recede from your destruction.
The water of the hurricane and the flood remind me of the immense power that exists in the world that is completely out of our control.

Water, give us life.
So many people are surrounded with the very substance that could provide life for them, if only it were clean. If only they had access to something that wasn't contaminated.

Water, cleanse me.
Cleanse me from the anger that I feel toward perceived ineptness and idiocy. Cleanse from me the sense of hopelessness and frustration.

Water, power the world.
Provide again for us strength and life and freshness.

Water, wash over us.
With hope and love and care.