Pictures

She died. And, as childish as it sounds to say that, I need to say it because I’m finally crying.

Yeah, I cried when I first got the call, and again when I had to call the airline to buy an over-priced plane ticket and “state the relationship of the deceased.” No, it wasn’t that cold, but it might as well have been.

And then I didn’t cry. I flew and held my child and had lunch with my in-laws and received hugs and cards and hugged my nieces and nephew and slept and woke and went to church and swam in a pool and walked around The Farm and picked up a color-card and kicked aside the flies and the mouse turds and took pictures of the chicken coop and looked at the horizon and wrote a sermon and preached it and accepted the “well-dones” from well-meaning relatives. But I didn't cry.

And before we pulled away from the apartment building and waved good-bye out the window I took a falling-apart photo album made in the days before acid-free anything back to the hotel with me and as gently as I could I ripped out the pictures of me and my brother and my mom and my aunt and my grandma and my great-grandma and a lot of other people who are no longer living, who are dead, and I slipped them into an envelope "to do something with" when I get a chance and I threw the album pages and cover away in the dinky hotel garbage can.

And I flew back and greeted a college acquaintance on the plane and cleaned up my child’s vomit and went back to work and at night rocked my sick child and then took off my shoes and socks while I preached again and we survived Easter and everything that means for a pastor whose grandmother has died and we moved zombie-like through the days and got sick and moved along and I smiled when I told people again and again, “She was 96 … an amazing woman … lived on The Farm most of her life … stubborn Swede … she had a stroke … still living alone … amazing woman.” And I meant every word and I still didn’t cry.

Until tonight. I sat at the bar in our living room with the pictures that I had taken out of the album spread before me and saw the legacy of these women … Grandma's handwriting on the backs … strong … stubborn … rooted to the farm … amazing women. And I cried. Finally, I cried.

Coming out of my shell a bit

I've recently started leaving comments on blogs that I read regularly -- not a lot, but a few, sprinkled here and there... I feel like I'm testing the waters... It's just so weird and vaguely play-groundesque -- what if someone thinks my comment is stupid? And the irrational thoughts spiral from there, none that are blogworthy, but they're there.

I was at a training today and one of the aspects of leadership that we talked about was the people who surround you. Who are the people you turn to, professionally and personally? As a pastor this is a difficult and oh-so important facet of my life that I've largely ignored. I was pleased to be able to write down a number of people who I feel I can turn to for a variety of things, and if push came to shove many of them could serve as MY pastor in addition to being a friend or a mentor or an accountability partner. However, when it came to the "friends outside the ministry" category, my list was woefully small. Ok, I was hard-pressed to come up with a single person who isn't either: another pastor/ministry professional or a member of either my congregation or my husband's congregation.

I know that leaving comments on people's blogs won't really garner me a whole lot of friends who live around the block with whom I can go shopping! But this virtual community has certainly sustained me in a way that I never thought possible when I took my first call.

Other thoughts that I had today? Sign up somehow, somewhere (community education? parks and recreation?) for a photography class. Find a book group that meets over lunch so that I don't have to be away from home another night during the week.

In love

Many of my posts regard the love-hate relationship that I have with my congregation and my calling.

However, I just uploaded some pictures of my son that we took this afternoon to my computer and I have to say ... I'm completely and totally in love.

I feel like such a mush when I gush about him -- but I think he's truly fabulous. He's almost a year old and while there have certainly been times when I've been exhausted (I went back to work when he was 8 weeks old) and crazy, I love the (not-so) little guy so much I can hardly stand it most times. In love. In love to the point of standing over his crib several times an evening just to gaze at him (mind you he went to sleep by about 5:45 tonight and will most likely sleep until 0600 or 0630).

All this coming from someone who first wasn't so sure that she wanted a kidlet. All this coming from someone who when "it" didn't work again and again and again thought that it might be OK not to have children. All this coming from me. Wow.

He called me a secretary

And then an assistant pastor when I (gently) corrected him
But gave me home-made puff pastries with chocolate frosting and eclairs in return -- is it wrong to think, at least for the moment, that it wasn't such a bad trade? My goodness, I'm a sucker for a sweet.

Amazed and a Couple of Questions

Sometimes I'm absolutely thrilled with how much I can get done -- new shoes for and pictures of Baby Boy, a trip to the library, a trip to Costco, naps all around, laundry done... And other times, I'm completely shocked at how paralyzed I can be about simple tasks -- making phone calls and cleaning coffee cups (I did this at the office this morning -- yea me!) and mailing reminders and the list goes on.

My questions revolve around discernment for leaving a place -- those of you who have been through a call or two or six, how did you determine that it was time to go? And, is it possible for people to see someone with fresh eyes? As in, after nearly two years in a call, if some folks don't see me as a pastor, will they ever?

Thanks!

It's Over

Overwhelmingly, that's how I feel about this morning.
It's over! Whew!
I occasionally preach without a full manuscript but rarely preach with nothing written down. When that happens, I at least have thought through (obsessively) about how the sermon will go -- ie, what I'll start with and how it will end, hoping that the Holy Spirit gets me through the middle.
My creative edge came today through having people in the congregation volunteer to read summaries of scripture verses about the resurrection. I talked (preached?) a bit in between the readings and when all was said and done I had taped the pieces of paper together to form the image of a person -- emphasizing the humanity of Christ and the fleshy-ness from today's Gospel.
And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us.
There were some things that I could have done better -- had tape already rolled and lined up, pre-selected the readers, actually thought about what I was going to say... but, before I watch the tape and nit-pick the work of the Spirit to pieces, let me share two things that I thought were pretty cool:
1. People laughed and actually were involved
2. It wasn't just adults who volunteered to read -- high schoolers, elementary schoolers and middle schoolers all read -- with no prompting from me. To hear the second grader read in front of the whole congregation absolutely melted my heart.
Who knows what I'll hear, if anything, from folks in the coming week, but for now I'm just glad it's over!

Behold! Something new!

I often preach using unconventional ways -- or at least I try to do things with a tinge of creativity -- sometimes.
Tomorrow I'm doing something that I've never done before and that I've never seen done before.... and I'm scared, in that nervous fluttery way. If it works, it'll be really stinkin' cool. If it doesn't work? It'll stink, though not literally.
I'll let you know how it goes, but for now, I'm just nervous.

Blessings

As RevEm has tagged me, and I get so excited about being tagged, and after my whiny post this afternoon, I figure I should reflect a bit on the blessings... So, in no particular order, 10 Blessings...

1. Most things blogg-y: writing, reading, leaving the occasional comment, receiving comments, obsessively checking my sitemeter....

2. My family and their amazing ability to make me laugh

3. Coffee

4. The simple fact that there's a roof over my head and money to pay the bills

5. Friends

6. Books to read

7. A sunny day with a hint of warmth

8. Music

9. Having people in my life who get the potentials of church and who in small ways get me.

10. Other women in ministry who support each other

I tag... YOU! Really, if you'd like to play, please -- play! It's always good to recount our blessings!

Don't Wanna

I don't wanna ...
... talk about the newsletter (because I'm secretly not sure if anyone reads it)
... write my sermon (because even though I love this passage, I'm for some reason tired of it)
... clean my office (because it's relatively clutter free at the moment, therefore not a valid procrastination technique or distraction)
... buy the wedding present that I have to buy before Saturday (because I want to be creative and buy something that's not necessarily on the registry, but I know that's what I'll end up doing because I have not one good idea)
... shop for jeans (because even though I really only have two pair that fit me, I'm not in a particularly good place with my body ... which makes for disastrous bottom-shopping)
... try to be positive or discern or figure out what the heck is going to happen in the next year (because there are just too many variables to think clearly)
... do much of anything that's productive (because ... well simply because!)

This started out to be an "I don't wanna" and then I decided that I should take the time to figure out why I was so whiny.

Checked Out

Warning, or at the very least, FYI: This will be a random post, unified by the above words or some conjugation of them.

1. After the stress and the tension surrounding Holy Week (I know, I know, it's over) and a funeral and staff transitions and sad circumstances in the parish, I find myself checking out in the middle of things -- meetings, while driving, meetings that I'm facilitating. I'm thinking a lot about boundaries and how to set them or re-establish them. Discernment questions: How do you know when it's time to leave a call? Is it possible to re-shape congregational culture? If yes, to what extent?

2. Small blessing in the chaos of my: I forgot to pick up a prescription for my Baby Boy before I retrieved him from the Best Daycare Ever. Dear Husband is out of town and I decided it would be a good idea to pick up said script on my way to my meeting tonight, with my child. Thinking it would be a quick in-out deal, I clearly didn't factor in things like: prime-time for shopping at the grocery/pharmacy combo platter and hence a line. Blessings in all of this? The man in front of me in line let me go ahead of him, as my son laughed and giggled and clapped and as I checked out, the pharmacist held the receipt so I could sign my life away in the name of clear skin.

3. Quick romantic read of the week that I checked out from the library? The latest from Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Match Me If You Can. I started and finished it Sunday night and it proved to be the perfect way to wind down after the weekend.

4. I had lunch with another pastor. We know each other in that professional way that comes from being at similar meetings and moving in the same general circles. It was nice -- a good opportunity to get to know her better. Startling moment? On my way out of the restaurant, a guy sitting at the bar checked me out. Steady eye contact, I looked away, looked back, he's still looking, the whole bit -- without the obviously disconcerting up-and-down once-over. Now that was a surprise!

Color Card

Tomorrow is Thursday and it will have been two weeks since my grandma died. The days since her funeral truly feel like a blur as Holy Week has come and gone along with assorted illnesses in my family. Many details of the past two weeks float unattached to days or times. I know that I had dinner with my mom's cousin, randomly, but I have to stop to think exactly what day that would have been, working backward to affix it to a time within anything else. There were flights and well wishes and worship that in some senses blend together beautifully -- a triduum that flows in my memory without fits and starts.

There's still a lot of "stuff" in the farmhouse, some of it "stuff" with memories attached. When she moved to her apartment a few years ago, most of the actual things in the house went with her. What's left is random, of little value, and some is simply garbage -- empty jars and paper plates and magazines from the 1970s.

My family went out to the farmhouse during that nebulous time when I was home. My nieces climbed the steep steps and proclaimed them scary. Many of us shed tears there that we hadn't or didn't shed elsewhere. We poked around and opened closets and brushed away dead flies and breathed stale air.

I was alone for a moment or two in what had been her bedroom. In a dresser that was otherwise empty save the drawer liners, I found a color card -- one of those strips of colors from the hardware store to help you choose paint. The colors were reds and on the back were notations indicating amounts. I don't know completely why, but I slipped it into my pocket and now I carry it with me. I know that it was my grandmother's and that's enough. It's something to hold, to remember, to remind.

Baseball

In these days of Eastertide (OK, so there have only been a couple), I'm almost afraid to think about church. There are many things that I put off until "after Easter" and that time has come. So, like any good little procrastinator, I'm sitting at home with a lovely cup of coffee and a scone, and blogging. I'm justifying this partially out of frugality, ie, if I'd left for work without eating/having coffee I would have stopped to have said breakfast. And, after paying our taxes yesterday (why, oh why, did *that* have to fall this weekend, too??), we are readily aware of our cash situation.

However, I titled this entry baseball, and with a reason.

I love baseball. Not in the way that my husband does -- obsessed with statistics, knows quirky details about players (and owners and managers and farm teams) -- but in a simple, wholesome, I really like the game sort of way.

I've had the good fortune over the past few years to live within a short distance of a minor league team. The team has changed as we've moved around, but the distance has remained close. These minor league games are great fun and provide an evening of entertainment for usually less than a movie. The players are there because they really love the game. There are mascots. There are entertaining games between innings that often involve said mascots. Occasionally there's a scout or two in the stands, or a former "big name" player whose kid is on the field. I never recognize these people, but my husband is quick to point them out to me, and we marvel from afar.

It's sunny out today and that has me thinking about baseball. It has me thinking about summer. It has, momentarily, distracted me from thinking about church.

*Note: While this is more about my love of the game than the actual game itself, there is another Lutheran blogging about baseball -- more regularly, intelligently and concisely than I do! Check out the Lutheran Zephyr. He's a Phillies fan, but that's OK.

Good Friday

Confession time:
I don't really like Good Friday worship.

I love the day, what it stands for, cling to the theology of the cross instead of a theology of glory, but worship on this day does little for me. Even as a pastor. Maybe especially as a pastor.

Last year I took the challenge to preach this day -- because I knew it would be a challenge and I hoped it would give me something ... some insight as to why I pull away from this day ... some appreciation for the corporate worship of the day ... something. And, while I was more exhausted and a little more high strung because of my status as preacher, I can't say that it enhanced my appreciation for worship.

I am waiting for something, someday to move me out of my from-a-distance observance of Good Friday. I don't want some fancy-schmancy passion play, some over-dramatized portrayal of what happened so long ago. Maybe some simple words with a mournful instrument. Whatever it is, it will have to sneak past my (internal) hyper-critical stance.

Little things

I'll be honest and say that at this point in the week, there are more things going wrong than right. I'm not trying to be overdramatic, and I don't really want to get into details to make people feel sorry for me. I trust somehow that everything will work out and that come Monday, I'll pay our taxes and Jesus will have risen and we all will have eaten our fill of chocolate and ham (though not at the same time) and there might be a wine bottle or two fewer behind the bar, but I will be glad that it's "over." Until Tuesday morning, of course, when everything that I've put off until "after Easter" will have to get done.

What's the little thing that has made me happy today?

I got a new stapler.

It's standard issue Swingline. It's tan and heavy and very, very practical. I trust that I won't have to drop it from up high to dislodge the pieces from their stuck-together state and then spend an obscene amount of time figuring out how to put everything back together, including that squirrely little spring that rolled away.... Regardless.

I got a new stapler. And, during this week, I've decided that I'm taking what I can get.

Books to Read

Many thanks to all who weighed in on the "What should I read next?" post below... For my own sake I thought I would compile them... and since I did that, I figured I could share the compiled list (along with some of my own notes, in purple) with everyone...
Enjoy!

A Prayer for Owen Meany, John Irving (This is one of my all-time favorite books; I will buy copies at used-book sales just to have on hand to give to people.)
Crossing to Safety - Wallace Stegner (It's on my shelf, just waiting to be read...)
Travelling Mercies - Anne Lamott (one of my favorites)
The Small Rain & A Severed Wasp - Madeleine L'Engle
A Place on Earth - Wendell Berry

The Necessary Beggar by Susan Palwick
The Sparrow - Mary Doria Russell (This and two of her other books "Children of God" and "A Thread of Grace" have been pivotal in my life. I really, really recommend them to other readers... As St. Casserole commented, The Sparrow could be subtitled "Jesuits in Space.")
Unless - Carol Shields
Jan Karon books. (I have read them.... and in all of their corniness, they continue to be one of those guilty plesures, like I imagine Esther Bollick's cake to be. In the most recent book, Cynthia describes Father Tim's newest church as her favorite, saying, "Because it's so hungry and imperfect." It's an image of the church that I've been chewing on for awhile now.)

The Merrily Watkins mystery series by Phil Rickman.
Never Let Me Go, Kazuo Ishiguro
The Peabody Sisters, Megan Marshall

The Death and Life of Charlie StCloud.-Ben Sherwood
*The Year of Yes- Maria Hedley (I read this recently and wanted it to go on... In fact, I wanted to move to that town and be friends with the people.)

Despite the falling snow-Shamin Sarif
Life After God, Hey Nostrodamous, or Eleanor Rigby all by Douglas Coupland
"A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian"
"The Map of Love" by Egyptian woman author Ahdaf Soueif.
The Secret Life of Bees (Stunning story)

Mermaid Chair
The Blue Castle, by LM Montgomery
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time,
Pride and Prejudice and the Princess Bride (Classics)

Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh
The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman
Amazing Grace by Kathleen Norris (I've always thought this would make a great small group study book)

Possession by A.S. Byatt
Looking for Mary by Beverly Donofrio –
Telling Secrets by Buechner
I heard Buechner speak a few years ago and he was amazing; I vowed to read some of his fiction at that point, but sadly haven't (yet).

Some authors...
Diane Mott Davidson
Susan Wittig Albert
Madeleine L'Engle
CS Lewis
Susan Howatch (Church of England books)
Diana Gabaldon (Outlander books)
Barbara Kingsolver (She's such an amazing writer)
Jane Green
Julia Quinn (Bridgerton series)

What have we missed?

She Rests in Peace

It has been nearly 3 weeks to the day since my grandma had a severe stroke.

She died early this morning.

This is the end that we knew would come, and it has come quickly.

For her life and for her witness, her stubborn roots and her legacy, her red-and-white checked curtains and her bright yellow bathroom, her marigolds and her rhubarb, for so many things that I cannot even articulate, I give thanks.

Thanks be to God.

Reading Recommendations Requested

Going to the library is one of my favorite things to do on Mondays (typically my Sabbath). It's one of my favorite things to do almost anytime, but Monday is when it usually happens. We have a great library in our community and on relatively warm days our house is within walking distance.

My usual modus operandi at the library is to scan the new fiction, then the new non-fiction, picking up titles by authors I know or publishing houses I respect. I can usually walk away with at least 2-3 books doing this. Sometimes while I'm at the library I'll remember a book someone recommended or that I read about.

I read a lot. I was an English major and have always been the kid who stayed inside on a warm sunny day to read a book. I like fiction that reads like a memoir, actual memoirs, books that teach you about something while telling a really good story (but not preachy, moralistic books), semi-trashy romance novels (though usually not the historical variety).

I loved "The Time Traveler's Wife" and read it in an afternoon. I don't mind what a lot of people call "fluff" as long as there's a story to it and they aren't trying to sell something. And, despite the fact that I am a pastor, I usually avoid anything overtly religious (unless it's for work, then it's pretty hard to avoid that whole God thing).

So, dear readers, what should I read? Recommendations? Your top 5 books? The book you recommend to everyone? The ones you've read over and over again? Please, tell!

A little somethin' about spirituality

I remember the first time I called my mom after an appointment with my Spiritual Director. I was bursting with the excitement that comes for me when "things" are coming together and someone is guiding me and there's hope in the future and peace about the past and I'm resting solidly in the grace that I cling to as a Lutheran.

There was silence on the other end of the phone. "Your what?" Mom asked tentatively, not wanting to upset the somewhat fragile mother-daughter balancing act.

"Well, Mom, she's someone I'll see once a month and we'll talk about issues related to the church and my ministry, what it all means; she'll sort of be like a pastor for me."

"Oh. Uh-huh. Of course. Is she Lutheran?"

"No, she's Catholic; she's a nun."

"Oh. Well, that's interesting."

Which translates to: I have no idea what else to say about that Dear Daughter so I won't say anything else at all!

There's nothing specifically "Lutheran" about having a spiritual director. However, there appears to be something new (or re-newed) about paying attention to our spirituality. While we have always professed that we are saved by grace through faith apart from works, we haven't always been very good at living that out or paying attention to what it means without cheapening it and using it as the easy way out.

Having someone in my life to hold me accountable to living fully in God's amazing gift of grace is incredibly important, lest I forget and start measuring my worth as a pastor (person?) by how many people were at the Bible study or the comments people make after the sermon or whether I get to preach or not. First and foremost, I am a child of God -- washed in the waters and fed at the table and sent forth to bear the message of God's redeeming love to the world. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering that.

Planet Pink Shoes

Per the RevGalBlogPals Friday Five Meme... but really, who can stop at five favorite things with this? If you haven't played, join in the fun!

From Songbird:
"I began to envision a store selling all my favorite things, probably in the kind of house I lived in as a child, one of those late 19th-century houses with a long hallway on the side and double parlors on the other, with windows to the floor facing the front porch. ...

Name five things that would be on the shelves of Planet [Pink Shoes]."

Welcome to Planet Pink Shoes, where hospitality is key and people are welcomed with a smile and a greeting designed to inspire warmth and comfort. On hot days there's fresh lemon water on the porch with some cookies for nibbling while you relax and on cold days there's tea and cocoa and coffee to warm your hands as your spirit is swaddled by the people you encounter and the things that surround you.

You'll find on these shelves books that make you think and in which you can get lost for hours -- books that I've read and can recommend without hesitation; guides to the local area, fiction that makes you laugh out loud and wipe tears from your cheeks, memoirs that invite you into the person's life and theology that meets you where you are and challenges you to leave that place of sedentary comfort.

There's a fine assortment of accessories: baubles and doo-dads that can hang from your ears or around your neck, scarves that bring life to your wardrobe and when wrapped with beautiful paper present as gifts extraordinaire -- if only for yourself.

Boldly-colored, vintage-styled kitchen linens and cloths for your tables, bathroom, picnics and baskets to hold them all and in which to pack food. Things that look just as special and good at home as they do in the store.

Paper -- single sheets of pretty paper, matching envelopes, cards that have just the right expression, pieces to use for your own projects and pens that make writing letters and cards a joy and a delight again.

Bowls -- Deep, round ones that invite ice cream sundaes, shallow ones for apple crisp or berry tarts with sauce and cream, wide ones for soup and oversized ones for popcorn and snacks.

Please, enjoy your stay!

A few of my favorite things, part 2

It's hard to believe that two weeks ago I was getting off a jet plane and entering vacation-land. Though my destination was not what most would consider a tropical or a "destination," it ended up being warm and fabulous. I blogged when I got back about my favorite things from the extended weekend. Two weeks removed I'm feeling a bit hrumpfy as I gaze out at the gra/ey and snowflakes falling on this, the 23rd of March. So, without further blabbing, some random favorites from the past two weeks -- to cheer myself, if nothing else!

A baby who sleeps through the night (usually) ... friends visiting from out of state ... glimpses of sunshine ... wee-hour chats ... being told I have a great laugh ... 12 women at "my" Bible study ... being able to have dinner with my husband ... a (relatively) clean (for now) desk ... dreaming of moving ... a compiled CD of favorite music at my office ... shipments of books on their way .... finishing our taxes for the accountant ... knowing deep down that everything will be OK ... cleaning out files ... a dog who didn't get sick from eating my fancy chocolate (although I was might angry) ... smiling and sighing ... a festive gathering ... having a clean house (momentarily, and if you don't look too closely) ...

What are your recent favorites?