Young

Tonight, after a fantastic haircut experience, I went for a drink with a girlfriend. 

And I got carded. 

I don't look that young. 

Cold

It's cold, and I'm tired. A wee bit sick, and cranky. Overwhelmed by my to-do list, and my want-to-do list. I've spent much of the past few days in pajamas, with my head in a fog, just not myself. Wanting the sun to shine into the depths of me, and reflect a brightness.
I opened the blinds in my office; perhaps that will help.
A sign of the fog that has descended? Not wanting to plan a birthday celebration for myself, or have anyone else do it, either. I love my birthday. And this morning I told my co-everything that I wasn't sure I wanted a party. Which isn't to say that I won't change my mind, but it's cold, and I'm tired.

Those days of my past

A small box of candy, a treat of some kind -- nothing extravagant, always special, wrapped or tied with ribbon and waiting, always magically waiting on the breakfast plate. 

Having to explain that we weren't doing anything special because he was probably doing something special with her. Wondering why I had to explain this to his friends, seething about the timing and the circumstances, just days before. 

Laughing with a girlfriend over margaritas and chips. 

Receiving not one but two unsigned bouquets, big and beautiful with cryptic messages, clearly from two senders. 

 

Not remembering many of these days, not thinking that they are really special, but always waiting to see what the day holds. Deliberating about a purchase or plan of my own. What to get the love, and the child who proclaimed as he bounced into our room this morning, "It's Val-en-tine's Day!"  

Made me day

This morning, as I was getting dressed and particularly loathing my body, our dear sweet child patted my leg and simply said with delight, "You're so soft, Mommy!" And proceeded to pat me in admiration and love.

Sometimes others don't even realize the gift they give us.

Peek!

Well, my goodness.
I do believe the sun's a-goin' to shine a wee bit.
Aw, shucks. It makes my heart warm just thinkin' about it.

Yum

So, before I forget about the fabulous meal that we had tonight, let me jot it down. Because it's not written anywhere else! 

Turkey-Stuffed Mushrooms

Pre-heat oven to 350

De-stem three portabello mushrooms and place upside down in baking dish to fit

Some olive oil, in a skillet

1 small onion, chopped as you like it and set to saute

2 cloves of garlic (or whatever you've got), prepared as you do and set with onion

1 lb of turkey burger (only about 1/3 to be used for this recipe -- freeze rest for chili), browned with onion and garlic

1 leftover baguette chunk from pan-sandwich shop, pulverized in processor

3 slices of provolone cheese, pulverized in processor (apart from bread)

Mix together in bowl

Drain turkey-onion-garlic mixture, and measure out 1/2 cup (or so)

Mix together with bread crumb-cheese mixture

Add some worcestire and soy to the top of the mushrooms; scoop mixture into mushrooms, packing lightly. Top with a splash of the w-sauce, if desired. 

Bake for 15-20 minutes. Serve. 

Did something

Today I was confronted with something I did wrong. It was valid, which makes it suck even more. But I owned up, apologized, and tried to move along. Several hours later, I've clearly not moved on. 

Tonight I  was confronted with something that I did right, couched in a way that made me feel like I did something wrong, or that there was no possible way that I even might have done the right thing. 

For the record? I did. the. right. thing. 

And I wonder why I have authority issues. 

Writing Anyway

I was going to use an external jump for my writing today, and had resolved to do it, so here I am, writing regardless.... and making it up as I go along. You're invited to play, too.

Things I want to do in the coming years, which I'm loosely defining as 5-7-10:
Take a sabbatical
Go on a fantastic vacation
Lose a few pounds
Incorporate more intentional cooking
Go on an art retreat

Places I'd like to go:
London
Vancouver
New York City
Maine
Nashville

Colors that surround me and give me life:
Pink
Red
Blue
Green

Things that excite me when they come in the mail:
Packages
Hand-addressed envelopes
Magazines
Catalogues, especially for flowers and home furnishings

Skills I have to get me through the day:
Laughter
Mobility
A new inner monologue (actually, a variety from which to choose)
Choices
Dreaming

Things that make me happy:
Coffee
Freshness
My kidlet saying "lizard" and asking to go see the lizard at the "'quarium"
The circle of people who support me
Knowing that the annual meeting is over for one more year
Energy

What's the opposite...

Of the golden touch? 

Other than my morning? 

Looking for humorous suggestions.... 

Few of mine are fit to print. And not that anything was tragically wrong, but it seemed that everything had something that wasn't right. 

Except my sermon, that is. Thank goodness I pulled myself together to preach because for the first time in a loooooong time I felt like my groove was back in the pulpit where it belongs -- instead of wherever it had been, flitting around a frozen pond somewhere. Hmpf. It better stay put. 

Nuts, oh nuts!

I like them just fine. Usually.
I'm not a fan of walnuts, especially in my brownies or any other baked good.
Cashews are a personal favorite.
Pecans are OK.
Peanuts seem sort of boring and ordinary, but I tolerate them.
Macadamias covered in chocolate or roasted slightly and salty. Yeah. That's good.

But recently? I can't get over the sense that I might be developing an allergy.

I have very little experience with allergies of any kind and feel fortunate that's the case. We're not a family known for food allergies -- on either side, extended or compact. In fact we like most foods, and will even on occasion eat those we don't like just so they don't feel left out. Except my mom has noted that she can't eat nuts, either. And that it used to just be walnuts, but recently it's other nuts, too.

So recently when I've eaten a nut, or it's been in something, and my mouth feels all tingly, I have to wonder if that's just not right. I'm not breaking out into hives, I'm not developing any visible reaction, I don't feel sick. Tingly is about the best I can come up with -- oh, and it doesn't go away right away.

I was hoping it was just walnuts, but the peanuts the other evening in the mix, and the macadamia nut cookie today.... well, yeah. There's that feeling.

Thoughts? Similar experiences? Or, am I just..... ;)

Little Things

Before Christmas I implemented a few things in my office that I have maintained in these days of January:

Music. Thanks to Katherine I discovered the holiday album from Over The Rhine. I listened to it every day. I just plugged my shuffle in, and while I desperately need to update it, I'm currently enjoying some Eddie From Ohio.

Candles. After decorating for a holiday function, I had some unscented candles that remained and I lit them one morning in the cold of December. They have since burned all the way down, but Restoration Hardware had some lovely red unscented candles on significant clearance that now grace the corner of my desk. When I'm feeling frantic, they calm me.

Post-it Mantra. I posted a couple of lists in December that gave some light to the interior monologue/voices in my head. I really couldn't post many of those in the light of day around my office, but one day in a fit of frustration I wrote out the following on a bright post-it and it rests atop my computer screen: "I'll never be balanced. I hope for centered... I pray for focused..."

What gives you life on "those days?" How do you calm the frantics?

The Reverse Date

Lunch, movie, pick up child from daycare. I guess it's not really a reverse date as it is a date in a different time zone. Regardless, we had one Monday -- it's been awhile, so it was lovely. 

We saw Juno. 

Go see it. 

Oh, and I cried. 

At the movie, but also? 

During the previews. 

Yep. That's me -- the one in front of you sniffling at the end of a 90-second trailer. 

K1, P1

Days since learning (again) how to k1: 7
Scarves completed: 5
Unfinished Projects from High School Completed: 1
K2, P2 swatches successfully completed: 1
K2, P2 swatches unraveled in frustration: countless
Emotion after discovering a yarn sale: elated
Projects on needles: 2
Most excited about: striped hat

And the sun shone brightly around....

A list of lovelies...

A quiet house

Wonderful choir

Candles to light

Reports that are done

People who care

Forgiveness for those who don't

Gentleness for my soul

Thematic stockings

Anticipation for gifts

Goopy frosting on cookies

Friends, wine, laughter

A napping child

Suitcases packed

Memories

Loved ones no longer with us

Simple delights

Reading lights for the car

Paid bills

Gracious spirits

Purring kittens

Butter, real, organic

Red toenails

Tears close to the surface

Peace

Pep Talk, Part Two -- the After-Call

After not getting a call back for over a week, and cringing nearly every time the phone rang at the office, I called again this afternoon. And had teh talk. Or didn't. Because it's Christmas. Right. 

So, there are times when not only must I gear up for a phone call, I must also talk myself down after the phone call. And, since I've already wept big tears of exhaustion and release, whipped up a batch of my Gram's cookie dough to be rolled out later, and told my mom on the phone that I'd had a shi**y day (we hardly ever swear among my family of origin, so it was sweet that she responded, without a hint of disapproval in her voice "I can tell, and I'm sorry you've had a shi**y day."), I bring myself (oh, and you) the post-call, "It's really going to be OK" list: 

* I hate that part of my job is helping people twice my age grow up. It's a good thing that I'm particularly great at doing it. 

* My day consisted of several different situations that required very unique skill sets. I have them all, and excelled at most them. Oh, heck, who needs modesty. I rocked. All. Day. Long. 

* I might not be wearing Those Jeans, but I am in my mind. 

* I can't take responsibility for something you refuse to do. 

* Look at me modeling healthy behavior! Look! Look! This is healthy behavior and communication. Did you take notes? 

* Breathe in, breathe out. 

* I won't be crushed if I don't have to do your funeral. Really. 

* My sermon's not written yet; you still have a chance to be featured prominently (at least in my mind). 

* Look at that lovely bottle of wine. Oh, and that one! And that one! 

* Would you like to see the list that outlines why I'm so wonderful?

* You're right, it is Christmas. Merry Christmas. 

HA!

I checked out some organize-your-life book the other day from the library. I do this occasionally -- thinking that there's a system out there that will help me manage what I do in a more productive, healthy way. Some of the work better than others, and all of them have something that I can take to heart and incorporate somehow into my life.

This one, though, encouraged me to track my interruptions. I realize this is a common thing, not unique to this book or author. And yet, as I've known before and believe strongly today -- nearly all I do is interruptions.

Today I've had no fewer than 10 -- ranging from assistance calls to singing parishioners in the hallway to a request for a headshot of my colleague and me for an unspecified purpose. Of course, we'd be happy to pose for a picture.

But when my sermon is less than stellar... can I just read the list of interruptions that I'm tracking? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Pastor Needs a Peptalk (aka, a new inner monologue)

I'm trying these on today (or at least right now before I make a potentially icky phone call):

*I am really, really fantastic.

*My boots can kick some serious something, if needed.

*Have you noticed how cute I am?

*Yes, I am that smart.

*No, you can't take my brain, my wit, or my baptismal right as a child of GOD away from me with your nastiness. I checked.

*Did you listen to my sermon? Maybe you should have. It was really good. And I was thinking about you when I wrote it.

*These jeans make my a** look fabulous. And it's not just me who thinks so.

*I can laugh at any situation. Just give me time.

*Where's my tiara?

And perhaps my favorite:
*OK, it's not always about me. But it's most definitely not about you today. So, maybe it is about me.

With that, I'm dialing the phone.

Silly Me...

I thought we were sleeping through the night, since we had been for over a year.

This business of waking up at 2:00 of the morning and not falling back to sleep, and then not napping? For the birds, in case you were wondering.

Friday Five

Sally over at the RevGals writes:

This has been a difficult week for me, the death of a little six year old has overshadowed our advent preparations, and made many of us here in Downham Market look differently at Christmas. With that in mind I ask whether you are the kind of person that likes everything prepared well in advance, are you a last minute crammer, or a bit of a mixture.....

Here then is this week's Friday 5:

1. You have a busy week, pushing out all time for preparing worship/ Sunday School lessons/ being ready for an important meeting ( or whatever equivalent your profession demands)- how do you cope?
Honestly, I probably get all freaked out, don't do anything and then get really crabby at the end of the week because I don't have enough time to do anything. Because that's healthy.
Coping: a glass of wine, some deep breaths, and hopefully a good night's sleep.

2. You have unexpected visitors, and need to provide them with a meal- what do you do?
I scrounge the cupboards for something -- there's usually some pasta or eggs. Or we go out or order pizza.

Three discussion topics:

3. Thinking along the lines of this weeks advent theme; repentance is an important but often neglected aspect of advent preparations.....
I love the idea of Advent as a time for reflection, considering it in many ways the time of year when I make resolutions and start over.

4. Some of the best experiences in life occur when you simply go with the flow.....
Yes. That's true. And yet I alternate between doing this reasonably well and trying to control that flow. Yeah, that works about as well as you might expect.

5. Details are everything, attention to the small things enables a plan to roll forward smoothly...
Yes, and no. I try not to become consumed with the small details -- but I recognize that sometimes we can't just wing it.

Bonus if you dare- how well prepared are you for Christmas this year?
Relatively well at this point. I have an idea for our cards, and have completed the design project for another family member. We've purchased and actually wrapped many of the gifts that we're giving. The beer is brewed and bottled, complete with red caps. Our travel plans are falling into place and we've procured supply for our time away.

It's December

I had one of those days during which about 100 blog posts went through my mind and none of them emerged on the screen. That's probably for the best -- I mean, who has time or desire to read 100 of my posts?! But at the same time I'm sitting here thinking that there were probably some good words lost! Another day, another time, right?

We (my co-everything and I) did a joint pastoral care visit today. I think that was a first for us. We saw some of my (our?) favorites in the congregation -- a sassy man in his 80s who had a knee replaced yesterday and his wife who is about the sweetest. Every time I see them they witness to me in a powerful and genuine way. I want to be like them when I grow up.

Our building addition has been complete for a couple of years now. Tonight there were "too many" things going on for the space, and we had to have a meeting in an office. I know this is a common dilemma for many congregations, and am truly not complaining, just observing. And wondering what it means for the future of this congregation.

I find myself amazed at my own love for my child. Which is not to say that I don't become frustrated at his dawdling, incessant questioning and resistance to going to bed. However, he's currently sleeping with the snowbrush from my car because he was so excited about it tonight. That's right.

I usually post at work and it's quick, or at home and it's on a browser that doesn't play well with the rest of the world so making links is difficult. But tonight I'm using the browser that does play well with others and want to share some of my other blog reading-perusing with you.

I read this one and wish I could make quilts like these. I started reading this one because of the clever, clever title, and I keep going back because she puts words together in delightful ways. I have laughed out loud reading this one, and have a wish list of things from her and her sister; the whole family is fabulously creative.

So, what have you been up to?