Thursday, November 03, 2005

Cracking

I spaced a breakfast catch-up with a parishioner this morning. Completely and totally didn't think about it until I heard the voicemail this afternoon -- and I feel really, really crappy about the whole thing. I mean, I was the one who set the appointment up. We had confirmed the other night. I was looking forward to it.
She'll be OK with it and we'll go forward and I won't feel so bad, but it's all compounded by the fact that Baby Boy was up 4 times last night (usually once, maybe twice), I'm sick, my dear husband is sicker, I didn't actually see my child awake for more than an hour yesterday (including morning getting-ready time) and I probably won't be home tonight before he goes to bed, either.
I hate to whine, and didn't even want to post this rant/rage/pity post because I don't want to appear weak -- I mean, I should be able to do it all, right? Be a mom and a wife and a pastor and a daughter and make travel plans for the holidays and do the laundry and clean the house, right? I know, as I type it, how ridiculous it sounds and untrue. My husband and I share a lot (when he's not sick) and the house won't fall down if it's not clean. But I become irritable and my expectations of what I'm supposed to be able to do go up when my plate becomes over-full.
I desperately want to say, "I'm not doing it." Whatever it might be. But I also know that's not in me -- really. I'm just trying to figure out how to cope, how to get organized enough so that my life is manageable again. I don't want to be sad when I look at my house. I want to be able to enjoy what I do and the people I love. I don't want to be the super-person, but I would like to be on top of things enough not to subsist on luna bars and funsize butterfingers and coffee.
And perhaps most of all, I don't want the people closest to me to know that I'm cracking around the edges.

10 comments:

Emily said...

I hate it when my cracking-around-the-edges beocmes visible, too.

Hugs.

will smama said...

You should go check out the reverend mother's latest post (www.reverendmother.org)about her meeting with her spiritual director.

It won't fix it, but it has some great insights and if nothing else will give you the gift of being in the same boat.

Lorna said...

hi

this is where I wish we were a closer community geographically

so we could swing by mops in hand, and then have a baby shower thingie for Rev mother.

but you are precious to us and that's only a patch on how precious you are to God.

cut yourself some slack! and all get better soon.

hugs and prayers

cats said...

i've learned that the sometimes the thing that makes me feel best is to know that there are other people just like me.

well, guess what! there are others just like you. me for example. fact is that there is no way to do it all and balance it at the same time. sometimes things suffer... including you.

take care of yourself and get better. that is the best thing you can do for everyone.

funny aside: the last three letters of the word verification were: hmo.

Anna said...

No, you absolutely shouldn't do it all! Take care of yourself. Focus on clearing your plate bit by little bit, and whatever you do, do it in your pink shoes. Instant mood-brightener and confidence-builder!

Seriously, hugs, thoughts, and prayers to you.

Bad Alice said...

Greetings from someone whose wash from last Sunday is still in the dryer. I often hear the advice to multitask, but I don't wanna! I'd hire a cleaning person if I thought she could find enough clear surface to clean.

Let me pause a moment while I feel the rebellion against housework and work work and parenting wash over me--there, that's better.

If something has to give, make sure it isn't you, 'cause you're definitely more important than the laundry or the housecleaning.

Pink Shoes said...

Thank you to all who stopped by to comment, and those who read the post and didn't comment but sent your good thoughts my way. It does help to know that I'm not the only one who ever feels this way.
It's a beautiful autumn day here and I'm hoping to crunch some leaves later, which will help my mood immensely!! Peace to all.

net said...

Whoo! You are definitely not alone in your quest for "doing it all!" I live in my husband's parsonage and commute 15 miles to my church. Once I leave home, I am usually gone until after suppertime! I asked for a day and a half off per week. I come home on Thursday afternoons and houseclean. On my day off (Friday), I can spend it with my husband or do whatever I feel like doing. That's how it works for me.

I also subscribed to about.com's housekeeping e-mail newsletter. They have really great tips on how to clean a room in 15 minutes.

Don't beat yourself up over this! Just do what you can do and negotiate with your hubby for the rest!

Be blessed!

Lorna said...

just swung by to ask: are you doing ok today?

hugs

Becky Ardell Downs said...

mmmmm, fun-size butterfingers . . .
;)