I spaced a breakfast catch-up with a parishioner this morning. Completely and totally didn't think about it until I heard the voicemail this afternoon -- and I feel really, really crappy about the whole thing. I mean, I was the one who set the appointment up. We had confirmed the other night. I was looking forward to it.
She'll be OK with it and we'll go forward and I won't feel so bad, but it's all compounded by the fact that Baby Boy was up 4 times last night (usually once, maybe twice), I'm sick, my dear husband is sicker, I didn't actually see my child awake for more than an hour yesterday (including morning getting-ready time) and I probably won't be home tonight before he goes to bed, either.
I hate to whine, and didn't even want to post this rant/rage/pity post because I don't want to appear weak -- I mean, I should be able to do it all, right? Be a mom and a wife and a pastor and a daughter and make travel plans for the holidays and do the laundry and clean the house, right? I know, as I type it, how ridiculous it sounds and untrue. My husband and I share a lot (when he's not sick) and the house won't fall down if it's not clean. But I become irritable and my expectations of what I'm supposed to be able to do go up when my plate becomes over-full.
I desperately want to say, "I'm not doing it." Whatever it might be. But I also know that's not in me -- really. I'm just trying to figure out how to cope, how to get organized enough so that my life is manageable again. I don't want to be sad when I look at my house. I want to be able to enjoy what I do and the people I love. I don't want to be the super-person, but I would like to be on top of things enough not to subsist on luna bars and funsize butterfingers and coffee.
And perhaps most of all, I don't want the people closest to me to know that I'm cracking around the edges.